Spring has sprung! And yet so few know how best to enjoy it. Yes, the average Vassar student is like a loathsome worm, scrabbling in the dirt, blind to the ways of the world. But not me! I am the most enlightened kind of being—a STEM major—and I’m generous enough to share my secrets with the world. Without further ado, here’s a scientific guide to enjoying the springtime.
Fly a kite. When was the last time you flew a kite? Kites were everywhere when I was a kid, but nobody ever flies them anymore, presumably due to woke. Well, you’ll show woke! Woke doesn’t want you to fly kites near power lines, because woke doesn’t want you to have fun. Fly kites near power lines. This and only this will allow you to reassert control over a culture where you feel desperately out of control.
Get annoying about foraging. Have you ever been on a hike and said to yourself, “Man, I wish I was eating a leaf right now?” Of course you have. Of course you have. Well, prepare yourself to be the talk of the frog sticker-wearing town, because there’s no better season than now to get into foraging. Marvel as you extract three to four bites of food from a weird green thing! Be amazed by how okay they taste! Wonder whether that was a poisonous plant, or it’s just supposed to be yucky!
Go birding. If there’s one thing I know about the world, it’s that birdwatchers are cool as fuck. Become one of us, and you too can develop neck pain at 20 and go to bed at 8 p.m. on weekends! A lot of people think birdwatching is an old person hobby. But the median age of American birders is 22! Most of us merely appear to be octogenarians due to our personal styles and sickly bodies. And the local birds are super cool! Either that, or I’ve sunk cost fallacy’d myself into caring about sparrow identification.
Look for bugs. Want to identify things no one cares about, but wish your nature walks were even slower? Get into insects! They’re common, diverse and incredibly fucking difficult to identify. What, did you think I was gonna say this was an accessible hobby? No such luck, cuckboy. You better learn your parasitoid wasp identification this spring, or else you’ll be laughed off the Preserve.
Stay inside and complain. Now this—this is a hobby for the realest of the real. Sure, it may look nice out. Sure, you may never have this much free time in the middle of the day again. But it’s hot out! And so humid! If you’re anything like me, spring is so named because the weather is a jumping-off point for bitching. Running out of things to do inside? You can always remind your professor about the homework they forgot. Or just watch YouTube.