Aries: There’s no need to panic about your final papers. Either you’ll finish them or you won’t. That’s a 50 percent chance!
Leo: If you’re using ChatGPT to write final papers, you should probably refrain from doing it right next to me in the Library while I’m writing the horoscopes. My warning for you extends far beyond this week. You are turning your brain to mush. Also the stars and I both think you’re dumb. Dummy.
Gemini: I think that you’re going to have a really hard time focusing this week. Don’t worry, all you need to do is get naked and go study on the Quad. Everyone will be looking at you, so you’ll get your work done in no time!
Cancer: You’re going to undergo a terrible trial this week. Your fingers are going to get cramps and you won’t be able to type anymore! Now is the time to start finger therapy. Feed each of your fingers a finger-sized banana. Make them do finger stretches. Godspeed, soldier.
Taurus: You need to calm down about the end of the year. Everything is going to be totally fine. Well, except for the snakes. What snakes? Oh! Don’t worry about it!
Virgo: You’re just not ever gonna hit a sweet flow of finals preparation this week; you’re going to be wayyy too distracted by your roommate inviting a family of mice to build a modest bungalow in your room. Yeah, sorry, there’s nothing you can do about it. Yeah, squatters’ rights.
Libra: Someone is going to throw a banana peel in front of you on the way to the library this week! Sorry, there’s nothing you can do to prevent it, they have really good aim. Hopefully you’ll be able to get a health advisory? You won’t be hurt, but who could study after such a humiliation?
Scorpio: I think you need to try to lighten up your calendar this week. You’ve got too much on your plate! Perhaps you could just go to three fish care conventions rather than four. That should free up some time for paper writing.
Sagittarius: I can see you’re preparing for exams coming up. That’s so crazy. My advice for you this week is to register for courses next semester that have final papers instead of exams. There’s just something exciting and sexy about finishing a final paper that an exam can’t offer.
Capricorn: It’s going to be a SUPER SLEEPY week for you!!! You’re going to be curling up everywhere. Asleep in the Library. Asleep at the Deece. Asleep on PB’s porch. Asleep on PB’s couch. Asleep in PB’s kitchen.
Aquarius: I think you need to step back from your thesis for a day or two this week. I get you’re about to submit it, but I’m worried about you, man. Nobody should be typing the words postmodern and hegemony as often as you are right now. Gotta cut those to once every two sentences, MAX.
Pisces: This is going to be a really great week for you. One of your professors is going to realize they did NOT give you enough time for your final project and give everyone the extension you were going to ask for RIGHT before you send that humiliating email asking for it. Lucky princess!