The devegetated branches of the Sex Tree, a willow residing on the front lawn of Josselyn House, are a campus monument to surreptitious love affairs, shared marijuana cigarettes and the alleged deflowering of Anne Hathaway. Last spring, administrators decided that it was time to launch the Sex Tree into the future of technological innovation, unveiling plans to build a 100,000 square foot data center underneath its withered boughs.
Construction for the data center, named the The Dede Thompson Bartlett Center for Immense Power Supply and Contemplative Inquiry, will begin in January 2027. Students are invited to work at the data center on an unpaid basis in exchange for 0.5 units of credited experiential engagement. Additional hyperlocal staffing opportunities will be extended to students of the Wimpfheimer Nursery School.
In pursuit of Vassar’s global learning initiative, President Bradley has been in close personal communication with China Telecom CEO and Chairman Ke Ruiwen. The two were able to assuage student concerns as to “literally how the fuck they’re gonna fit all that under there.” China Telecom’s largest data center, and the largest worldwide, spans a whopping 10.7 million square feet and is located in Inner Mongolia. When asked to comment on the matter, President Bradley stated, “I don’t know how big Inner Mongolia is, and I didn’t Google it because I’m not a fucking nerd, but I do know that 10.7 million square feet is, like, huge! If Ruiwen can fit all that in medium-ass Mongolia, he can stick a feeble little data center like ours under the Sex Tree’s erotic umbrage.”
The Dede Thompson Bartlett Center for Immense Power Supply and Contemplative Inquiry will fuel the development of two novel large language models (LLMs), named after the administrators they seek to emulate: Elizabeth “The Beast” Bradley and Rich “Been that Bitch” Horowitz. Their respective AI chatbots, BradGPT and RichHo.ai, will be performing administrative roles in lieu of their human counterparts starting this spring.
Students expressed concern about the impact of a data center with power consumption equivalent to 60,000 U.S. homes on Vassar’s goal of carbon neutrality. The administration was able to share that Vassar will not, in fact, be carbon neutral by 2030, but rather “Carbon Neutral, Asterisk.” Nobody knows what the asterisk refers to, but administrators insisted on pronouncing it out loud, which cannot be good. Additionally, several of Vassar’s esteemed a capella groups are apprehensive of the data center’s ambient humming, comparable to the engine of a Boeing 787 Dreamliner. Luckily, these groups have been advised by President Bradley to just sing louder.
We have also been informed that freshman orientation will now include an NDA that no one will remember signing.
All in all, the The Dede Thompson Bartlett Center for Immense Power Supply and Contemplative Inquiry will be an exciting and valuable opportunity for interdisciplinary dialogue between the sassy left and Big Silicon.
When asked to comment on the development of a hyperscale computer network for Chinese tech billionaires on the very site of her alleged deflowering, Anne Hathaway was shockingly silent.