Little is known of John Bradley, Vassar’s enigmatic First Gentleman, and questions about his true nature have plagued the student body for years. What is his middle name? What is his first name? Could John Bradley beat a horse in a fight? Is John Bradley bothering you?
I cannot answer any of these questions because my horse guy bailed last minute, but I can reveal a much more important aspect of John Bradley’s personality. Last night, as I was taking a contemplative stroll through campus, I saw John Bradley wearing chinos and a tasteful flannel. As I watched his jaunty silhouette strut into the distance, it hit me: John Bradley might be a lesbian.
John Bradley has all the hallmarks of a card-carrying lesbian. He loves the outdoors, he’s married to a woman with a bixie cut and he has performed an Indigo Girls cover at every single campus open mic since his arrival at Vassar in 2017. My conclusions barely need stating: The man has a sapphic ethos rivaled only by the WNBA.
John Bradley moves through life with the style and ease of a middle-aged woman named Sam. In fact, if you rearrange the letters in his name, it spells out “Judith Butler.” Well, it might spell Judith Butler, depending on what his middle name is. I’m not saying that means he’s a lesbian, but I am saying that means he could be a lesbian.
To supplement my investigation, I asked three accredited lesbians for comment.
Lesbian #1: “He’s so into fiber arts. Which is great; I really do believe that men should be allowed to have hobbies. But you know who else is into fiber arts? My great aunt, who’s been living with her ‘best friend’ for the past 28 years.”
Lesbian #2: “I think he sat in on my women, feminist and queer studies course one time, like, as a little treat for him. He was trying so hard to look like a student; he had a messenger bag and he was wearing Birkenstocks? But it was like… that’s just straight-up John Bradley. And he’s just here, like, reading Gloria Steinem.”
Lesbian #3: “One time I saw him wearing a shirt that said ‘We are the daughters of the witches you could not burn.’ And I was like, dude, you are not the daughter of the witches they could not burn, you’re literally John Bradley.”
Where I had hoped this very real investigation would give me answers, I am left with more questions than ever. We may never know which member of Boygenius is John Bradley’s favorite, or if he has ever owned a Subaru Crosstrek. But we know that John Bradley would run the fuck out of a small business, and that it would probably sell nipple jewelry.
Whether John Bradley is truly a sapphic icon or merely queerbaiting us, he has my full support, unless he’s queerbaiting us. He is himself, he is super butch, and there is nothing wrong with that.