At Convocation, President Elizabeth Bradley announced to the community that Vassar College was leaving the Seven Sisters. The Chapel’s audience reportedly writhed with excitement, shock and indignation. But according to Bradley, this change had been brewing for a long time.
“It was a lengthy and difficult process,” Bradley claimed. “But this school was founded by a man. It’s high time we stop pretending that Vassar is something that it’s not. For over a century, we’ve identified as a sister, when perhaps we were always meant to be a brother.”
So Vassar aims to reclaim its masculine heritage as the cis straight male population slowly infiltrates the campus’s curvaceous society of femininity. As the Admissions Office coalesces with Athletics, more and more jocks are entering the student circulation, straining what had previously been a harmoniously woke and artsy institution. According to an unnamed source from the Dede Thompson Bartlett Center for Admission and Career Education, admissions officers grew so weary of the monotonous task of reading applications that they began longing for a college party of their own. The source suggested that this desperation may explain Vassar’s influx of athletic admissions, which ostensibly serves to compensate for the Greek life that the college famously lacks.
This has been an especially revolutionary development for Vassar’s heterosexual community, who shared that they originally felt like a minority in the face of the community’s impressive level of wokeness. “I used to feel like I didn’t have the support I needed,” shared Wren Alger ’30. “I’m a straight guy. I have a girlfriend. But everyone thinks I’m gay, just because I go to Vassar. Now I can finally accept my masculinity. It’s difficult to do that, you know, in a world so heavily geared towards all this feminist stuff.”
Other male-leaning students have joined Alger in his sentiment, organizing peaceful protests to advocate for their masculinity and completely combat the ideals of the Seven Sisters. The men’s lacrosse team, for example, recently arranged a series of demonstrations on the Nircle, domineered by their slogan “We Put the Men in Menstruation.”
The push to abandon the Seven Sisters has not come exclusively from men; even the female-identifying community has emphasized their feeling restrained by Vassar’s sisterhood.
“The idea really rooted in my mind when I lost my VCard,” shared Maddie Bontempo ’30. “I mean, what a way to objectify our literal ID card. So I started thinking about my own ID, like, my own identity as a Vassar student. And I think this whole female institution is getting really freaking pick-me.”
Indeed, there have been more frequent reported cases of the epidemic of pick-me, including an anonymous sophomore faking imbecility at her flute in the chamber orchestra, all to get the male clarinetist to instruct her.
“I think the only way to completely eradicate girls being bitches is to get rid of girls altogether,” continued Bontempo. “It’s the movement of the decade.” Vassar’s withdrawal from the feminist educational ideals of the Seven Sisters finally holds space for the male-identifying population, who, historically, have not had easy access to education.
The rampant masculinity of demonstrations on campus has caught the eye of the other Seven Sisters, a betrayal against the union of woman-favored education.
“I never trusted Vassar,” argued one representative. “It’s the only coeducational sister school. That’s pretty damn sus to me.”
The remaining colleges, including Barnard, Bryn Mawr, Mount Holyoke, Smith and Wellesley, reportedly held an emergency convention to discuss Vassar’s future in the league. The institutions ultimately reached a consensus: Vassar no longer fit into the sisterhood. So, they blocked the school on Insta, unfriended on Snap and ultimately kicked Vassar out of the Seven Sisters.
Smith College was so distraught over the decision to boot Vassar, the institution stated it would remain part of the sisterhood so long as their consistent weed supplier continued funding them.
We sought out Barnard, but administrators only grew defensive of being involved in such a union in the first place. “What do you mean, Seven Sisters?” defended an admission agent. “We’re basically an Ivy League. Barnard’s affiliated with Columbia. As in, Columbia University. So yes, we’re technically Seven Sisters. It’s an all-women fraction of the larger Columbia community. Did I mention Columbia is an Ivy League?”
Meanwhile, Bryn Mawr acknowledged that Vassar’s departure had created an unfortunate numerical discrepancy. “Obviously, Vassar’s withdrawal leaves a gap,” shared the admissions office. “The Six Sisters doesn’t flow off the tongue easily. But we had to do it. Vassar simply lost that touch of femininity that is integral for the functioning of the sisterhood.”
The aforementioned institutions are currently assessing their options to fill the hole that Vassar so abruptly left behind. But Vassar’s withdrawal from the Seven Sisters has presented a deeper argument: Perhaps academia has grown too rigid.
So, the remaining Six Sisters rebranded themselves: The Sex Sisters. However, this revision was met with immediate confusion. Administrators insisted that the new name was meant to celebrate the freedom to explore the sexuality of womanhood, but was met with backlash for its lewd implications.
“We mean sex in the biological sense,” clarified a Wellesley spokesperson. “Actually, no, that makes it worse.”
Vassar, currently titleless and homeless, responded to the rebranding of its former union in a campus-wide debate about the future of the college’s branding. Last week, Strong House held an open mic for students to share their opinions on whether or not to start a new union.
One idea was to recruit other colleges to start a new league called “The Seven Mothers.” “She’s just giving mother,” stated Joshua Kaminsky ’30. Another idea was whether Vassar should petition to join the Ivy League, merging with Yale just as Radcliffe College did with Harvard in 1999. However, the commute was too far.
They ultimately conceived the Bisexual Brothers, encompassing much more landscape, both geographically and sexually, than the Ivy League or former Seven Sisters could ever. It comprises Penn State, UC Merced, Grinnell College, Tulane University, Lewis & Clark College and, now, Vassar. The new union aims to unite coeducational schools in favor of preserving the reputations of gay and straight men alike.
So, Sept. 2, 2026 marked Vassar’s last day as a sister school before changing history. The institution received their hormone prescription the following day and, at the behest of the Sex Sisters, transitioned.