Columnist gets super meta and weird with final column
“Who gets to speak and why? […] is the only question,” (Chris Kraus, “I Love Dick,” 1997). Dear Reader: I want you to read this like it’s for you. I…
Emmett O’Malley
TakeQuake Part Four: Portland will win, I’m totally sure
[Chorus] “Damian Lillard makes 30-foot running pullup jump shot” (ESPN, “Thunder vs. Trail Blazers — Play-by-Play,” 04.14.19). Rhetorically, this sentence is far from spectacular. Substantively, however, its majesty tells you…
Don’t drop the mic: Oregon State must hire beloved Parker
“For the third time in the modern era, it is my joy and honor to say,‘The Beavers are the National Champions!’” If you are not a sports fan from the…
Speculative sports junkies predict NBA playoff results
The NBA regular season is finally over. Let me repeat that: THE NBA REGULAR SEASON IS FINALLY, MERCIFULLY, THANK GODIDLY OVER! NBA fans such as myself are stumbling out of…
Zion’s rise exposes injustice of big-business NCAA sports
A Play When the University of Virginia’s DeAndre Hunter caught a pass from teammate Jay Huff, the nearest Duke defender was approximately 20 feet away… The 6’7” Hunter, undoubtedly a…
Valentine’s letters from the National Breakup Association
Preface: I wrote this column in accordance with the length of the song “Jealous” by Labrinth. If you finish the column before the song is over…cool. If you can’t finish…
As Pats secure Super Bowl LIII trophy, nobody wins
This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but with a whimper —T.S. Eliot Eliot’s canonical final stanza in his poem “The Hollow Men” echoed through my…