Hannah Gaven

Humor & Satire Editor

Horoscopes

By – 7 months ago

Aries My plants are finally sprouting, which is pretty exciting. Sadly, I will have to murder them at the end of the semester when I move out. Good riddance though—they…

Horoscopes

By – 7 months ago

Aries I had to write a blog post about how aggression relates to my life. I couldn’t think of anything because I’m a doll. But then I remembered how I…

Horoscopes

By – 7 months ago

Aries It’s easy to procrastinate. None of us like doing work, so why are we still doing it? Ponder all of your life choices every hour of every day of…

Horoscopes

By – 7 months ago

Aries I’m in the Vass Shakers show this Friday. Thus, you will be going to the Vass Shakers show this Friday. I better see you there, and you better be…

Horoscopes

By – 7 months ago

Aries The worst part about working out is that you get sweaty. This means that you already put up with the exercise but you also have to shower. Or I…

Horoscopes

By – 8 months ago

Aires My family got a new puppy! However, all dinner conversation consists of the looks of her poops and how often she’s peed. When you run out of conversations this…

Horoscopes

By – 9 months ago

Aries You know what you want to do? Come to paper critique at 9 p.m. on Sunday nights. You want to come so that you can tell everyone else on…

Horoscopes

By – 9 months ago

Aries I’ve become addicted to almond milk in hopes of bonding with my sister, but she still doesn’t call me…Unrequited love sucks. Don’t put up with it. Steal all of…

Horoscopes

By – 9 months ago

Aires I’ve just recently found the fuzzy sock lyfe. It’s the only reason I wake up in the morning. However, I could just wear fuzzy socks to bed, and then…

Horoscopes

By – 9 months ago

Aries I am a saucy gurl. But are you saucy? The stars suggest that you need to up your slimey quotient this week. One way to do this is to…