Horoscopes: March 26
Don’t be surprised if you feel a little extra impulsive this week. Confess your feelings, or air a grievance, or cut your bangs. Just kidding. I know you’ve already cut…
Madi Donat
Horoscopes: February 27
Now is the time I finally let you know my own sign: I’m a Cancer! Apparently Cancers and Aries are super incompatible (which is tbh very false but that’s what…
Horoscopes: February 20
I make fun of Sagittarians further down by saying they aren’t as good as you, so my advice to you is to beware of angry Sagittarians. You’re better than them,…
(W)HOR(E)OSCOPES
Both Mars and the moon are giving you lots of confidence this week, so use it wisely. Maybe ask someone out or look for a job. Try shoplifting! (WE DO…
Horoscopes: Feb. 6
Relish in your individuality as we approach a full-moon. There’s no curbing your power! Make up your own language and shout it at people; whoever stays is a true friend.…
Horoscopes: Jan. 30
Switch up your wardrobe. Try a new fabric or silhouette that you aren’t used to! You will no doubt receive many compliments. And if all else fails, well, Vassar is…
Horoscopes: Dec. 5
Intuition is high! Cut off toxic people without remorse. Be smart about it, though. I see you trying to block Colleen Mallet’s email, but that won’t solve anything. Don’t shoot…
Horoscopes: Nov. 14
Try to be less confrontational this week. Write an essay about why you hate someone. If they still don’t take the hint, only then try leaving that dead bird in…
Horoscopes: Oct. 31
You’re chiller than usual right now, which is working for you. Stay calmin a crisis instead of being reckless. Remember: safety in numbers. If you’re gonna summon anything, do it…