FBI Deece pasta lies
On Friday, March 23, a team of federal agents was called into the Gordon Commons for what was referred to as an “egregious breach of contract and violation of trust”…
Humor & Satire
Pump it up! Functional condiment dispensers return
As Sam Cooke once said, “A change is gonna come,” and come it has. The famous hands-free machines featured in the Deece that often would fail at their simple job…
Pickleball becomes Vassar’s most popular and beloved sport
The ball sensation that’s sweeping the nation has finally swept Vassar’s campus. Of course, I’m talking about pickleball. If you don’t know what pickleball is, have you been living under…
Vassar to embrace Web 3.0, transition to crypto
Your college experience is about to get a lot more futuristic. On Monday, Feb. 27, Dean Gus D. Weebuloid—newly-hired chair of Vassar Advanced Payments and Educational Reorientation Services(VAPERS)—announced that Vassar…
Negative bathroom signs baffle students
New signs have been appearing on stall doors in bathrooms all over Vassar’s campus, confusing students with their negative and often contradictory messages. Whereas previous bathroom signs have encouraged healthy…
OBSERVATION #3
The average baboon is indifferent to oven mitts. — Anna Kozloski
Horoscoops
Aries When faced with a barrage of choices, such as when walking into the famed ice cream parlor next to your mom’s physical therapy office, don’t get yourself down freaking…
Who is most mad this March? A comprehensive basketball team
March—the month of mad. This angry period is accentuated by two college basketball tournaments in which the maddest team wins, a festival known as “March Madness.” Yet year after year,…
Riddled with spring break boredom, Miss Likki gets addicted to The Sims 4
Like many enthusiastic Vassar students, I had huge, exaggerated hopes for spring break that were promptly shut down by the joyless drudgery of reality and a failure to make cohesive…