Ever wonder what to do with the Misc once you’ve dutifully read each page and written to your local legislator about the tampon initiative? Here are some options you can try.
- Toilet paper
Perhaps a bit trite, but when you tire of Vassar’s skimpy single-ply “environmentally friendly” rubbish, just tear off a chunk of the Misc for all your butt-related needs. Or, alternatively, for your tampon needs until your local legislator emails you back.
- Papier mache
Nothing makes you feel like a Pinterest housewife more than weird unnecessary crafting. We at the Misc like to start with two glasses of white wine before the creation commences. Good papier mache projects always involve balloons, so we blow a few up, slap some newspaper on them, take a quick break to weep about your ungrateful children and then get in there with some acrylic paint. If the design is intricate enough, it can distract us from our failing marriages!
- Blanket
There’s a lot of hype nowadays about nonsense like “shams” and “duvet covers,” but we at the Misc advocate for a return to the basics—and what says “simple elegance” better than a pile of newspaper? Don’t be alarmed if you wake up to the noise of crumpling paper and find yourself covered in black ink; consider the free tattoos an added bonus!
- Hat
At Vassar, it’s important to stay ahead of the style curve, so why not start a new trend with an avant-garde chapeau? We recommend folding up your copy of the Misc into one of those boat-looking numbers. The truly bold could even try origami-ing their way to a new baseball cap or a beanie, complete with pom-pom. Disclaimer: we warn against wearing your new cap out in the rain—or the April snow showers, if Mother Nature is being kinky.
- Shitty wrapping paper
Nothing sends a friend the message “You’re okay, I guess” than a birthday or holiday present wrapped with a copy of the Misc. Raise or lower the level of apathy by tying a bow with different materials; a strand of napkin says “I may not walk 500 miles for you, but I’ll walk to the Retreat,” while a piece of dental floss ribbon sends the message “We’re only friends because you’re on the Enhanced meal plan and sometimes you swipe for me at UpC.”
- Wall decoration
Creating a pleasant living environment is important, even when you’re stuffed into a one-room triple that definitely used to be a closet. The Misc interior decorating team has collaborated with the Misc Pinterest housewife team to recommend cutting your newspaper into interesting shapes and slapping it onto your wall like the sad fool that you are. Before you host a party, take this idea one step further and cover literally everything in newspaper to avoid Svedka soaking into the sweater Grandma Agnes knitted you. If you’re feeling risky, hang the paper up with tacks and potentially incur the wrath of ResLife.
- Snack
Before Vassar implements its new dining plan, admin (as is their custom) will probably feel obliged to make us suffer for a while; we’re anticipating a period when there’s simply no Deece food available at all. As a voracious reader hungry for knowledge, what better way is there to supplement your diet than with a dose of the Misc? While the Misc is delicious plain, we recommend cutting it up and topping it with cheese, fruits or a sprig of rosemary. Don’t rule out using the Misc as dessert either—simply shred it and sprinkle it into a pint of Haagen-Dazs for some high-fiber “Misc-cream.” Your taste buds (and Dining Bucks budget) will thank you!
- Oracle
College life is hard, and sometimes you need a little divine intervention. When you’re wondering whether you’ll pass that test or get a text back from that cutie, try using your copy of the Misc as an Ouija board of sorts; simply close your eyes, pray to each Humor columnist in turn and then let the spirits guide your hand around the page. Circle letters and words where the supernatural vibes feel strongest. In our tests, fortunes have been a tad cryptic; notable answers included “VSA tampon theater initiative divestment yes,” “gentrification womp lax womp,” and “rwdsidrnmidjs;” but decoding them has the added benefit of strengthening your communication skills. Go forth and tell the future!