After the latest in a series of long meetings regarding the administration’s unsustainably bloated size, the Vassar administration has finally come to the hard-won consensus that the administration must be made bigger in order to solve this longstanding issue. This bold, new decision will serve as the daring first step toward what many consider to be “the wrong direction.” Yesterday, Vassar’s Interim President Jonathan Chenette explained the reasoning behind Vassar’s latest proposal during a VSA meeting.
“We have given this issue much thought and deliberation over numerous meetings within the administration. After many hours of discussions amongst ourselves, we have come to the agreement that the administration needs more people to think of an effective solution. Only then will we be able to resolve the problem with the administration’s size in a completely sensible and judicious manner,” stated Chenette with utmost poise and grace when asked by a student reporter from The Miscellany News.
When confronted by angry critics who called his explanation “a load of absolute hogwash,” Chenette patiently explained the specific justifications behind this decision with all the dignity of a noble statesman.
“The administration understands that this issue has been a source of contention for both students and faculty for many years. We understand more than anybody else why the current size of the administration is such a problem at Vassar. That’s why we want to be as careful as possible when forming a plan of action for this highly sensitive topic. But the problem is that, for an issue this serious and controversial, we need more people in order to think of a proper solution. We want to be able to carry out a decision that will appeal to everyone, and we just lack the manpower for that sort of conclusive dialog in the administration’s current state. Please try to understand!” he pleaded.
“What about the severe shortage of professors in several academic departments? What about the need for new equipment for student and faculty research? What about the fact that Raymond house is literally uninhabitable???” one student challenged. In response, Jon Chenette nodded solemnly in complete understanding.
“Yes, I am well-aware with all those issues on Vassar’s campus and we at the administration completely understand your frustration,” he said. “However, we must take a step back and view everything in its entirety from a more overarching point of view. The administration is like the head of Vassar College and the academic facilities and the student dorms are like the limbs. We can’t rush blindly and focus all our energy on fixing an arm or a leg when it’s broken. We must be rational and take the time to make our head bigger so that it has enough room for new ideas. Only when our heads become huge will we be able to think of the most effective solution on how to handle those injuries. The bigger our heads become, the more that Vassar will benefit as a whole.”
As everyone else puzzled over Jon Chenette’s big-head analogy, the vice president of the VSA asked the ever-composed guest speaker exactly what aspect of the administration will be expanded upon.
“Oh, only the most necessary enhancements will be made during this renovation,” he answered.
“Wait, did you say renovation–?”
“The administration has also given this specific aspect of the proposal much thought and we have decided to dedicate an entire wing of the administration toward handling this issue regarding the administration’s overwhelming size to show everyone just how much we care about this issue. We will also hire an expert to serve as Vassar’s Dean of Administration expansion, who will dedicate their time towards finding a potential solution and listening to all your grievances about the ridiculous number of deans at this college,” Chenette said.
“This is some Catch-22 bullshit,” one student muttered under his breath.
“I’m sorry Jon Chenette, but did you say renovation beforehand?” asked the VSA vice president for the second time.
“Hmm? I don’t think so. I don’t recall ever saying that word. But if you want to speak about renovations, we can discuss about the administration’s plans on renovating the Main Building so that it better serves our students,” said Chenette.
“Why?” asked The Miscellany News reporter.
“Why what?” responded Chenette with innocence.
“Why renovate Main Building? If anything, the first building that should be renovated is Raymond. Someone already stated earlier that it’s steadily becoming a hazard on campus thanks to its numerous rat and cockroach infestations,” stated The Miscellany News reporter.
“Well you see, we asked our consultants about which parts of the college to renovate and they said that Vassar needs renovations all over campus. Main Building was one of those places, so we decided to start with the building with the most historical significance,” answered Chenette.
“When you say Main, do you mean all of Main or just the Administration wing?” asked the vice president with a scrutinizing look.
“Well, I hardly see the difference, seeing how they’re both at the same location.” responded Chenette with a dismissive yet elegant shake of his hand.
“We’re getting off topic again! Have we made any progress at all about the fact that the administration is just getting bigger and bigger?” complained one of the students loudly.
“On the contrary. The administration plans to make huge strides in shrinking the administration,” stated Chenette.
“You just said that the administration’s solution to its huge size was to make it even bigger,” said the student reporter bluntly.
“Well, relatively speaking, the bigger the administration becomes, the more money the college spends. And the more money the college spends, the less money we will have in the college budget. But the less money that the college has in its budget, the less money that will be available for the college to spend towards the administration! In that sense, isn’t that already an effective first step towards curtailing the growth of the administration?” Chenette explained with a grin.
With that, the town hall meeting dissolved into a loud mess of chaos and bickering. The ensuing disarray grew so out of control that the VSA had to adjourn the meeting early after having accomplished none of what it set out to do that day. Meanwhile, Interim President Jonathan Chenette whistled as he left, feeling pretty content with all the progress he and the administration made in just one meeting.
A week later, the administration issued another announcement that further expansion of the administration was needed to adequately handle the administration’s uncontrollable growth, and a similar declaration was made the following week afterward. As this pattern continued, the administration swelled up to the point where the number of deans on campus outnumbered those of the dwindling students and faculty. By 2020, only the deans and other members of the administration could be found at Vassar. At this point, the administration issued a statement claiming that it had finally fixed the problem with the administration’s size like they had promised, since all the complaints had mysteriously vanished.