Nine new Vassar majors that will lead to unemployment

Pre-registration is a stressful time for all, but Vassar could alleviate this stress by diversifying its majors offerings into areas like food, the Kardashians and Deece studies. / Courtesy of Wikimedia

I am majoring in confusion and cluelessness. Period. (Not that kind of period though—that thankfully ended last week. Phew! For now.) Pre-registration is a very stressful time. It’s basically the Hunger Games for college students. The odds really need to be in your favor, or you may just end up with a draw number like 600 something (not me so far, thankfully). Anyway, pre-registration got me thinking about prospective majors, which made me realize that I’m hopeless, etc., etc. It also got me wondering what interesting majors Vassar could start offering. However, if the official “course catalog writer people” of Vassar (I swear I’m smarter than what is evident from my writing) ever added these majors, I definitely wouldn’t recommend them, as there’s not much of a guarantee of future employment. On that very positive note, let’s talk about majors I think Vassar should offer.

Magical Studies (MGST): Who doesn’t want to learn about magic? If Hogwarts can offer Muggle Studies, Vassar should offer Magical Studies. This department would have courses about all things magical: Unicorns 101, The Science of Wands 105, Voodoo 210, Vampires (and why Twilight is stupid) 205, etc. I’m sorry, I’m a Potterhead, and so I’m biased against Twilight. #SiriusBlackNotJacobBlack #CedricDiggoryNotEdwardCullen

Deece Hacks (DEEC): I feel this is a very essential major, but it will only be useful on this campus. Some of the classes offered could be How to be Vegan/Vegetarian at the Deece 105 (not me, I love meat), Stir Fry 101 (learning to cook without blowing up the Deece), How to Make a Waffle 206 (this should be a six-week course as I’m sure there’s not much to it) and, most importantly, How to Sneak Out Stuff From the Deece 310. This last one would probably be a major requirement.

Gordon Ramsay Studies (GOST): (I first abbreviated that as GRST but oops, that’s already taken.) This one is basically a fancier version of being a food major. Like Ramsay, this department is quite hardcore. There are many courses that teach you to cook fancy-ass food, like Filet Mignon 145 (I don’t really know the name of any other fancy-sounding food). A major requirement for this department is How to Swear 101. You must know your curses if you want to be like Gordon Ramsay. Duh! This course also explores bad words in foreign languages like “merde” and “mierda” or the English version of them, which brings me to the next major on this list.

The Science of How to be Independent (SHIT): Just imagine saying, “I’m majoring in SHIT!” This is basically a major in how to be a functioning, independent adult. We all need to take a SHIT class at least once because we’re mostly just kids pretending to be all grown-up. Some classes could be Basic Cooking 101, Taxes 205 and my personal favorite (being a hygiene freak) Laundry 100. This is a class I’m willing to take again and again, and also to teach, because I love doing laundry. My roommate thinks I get high on detergent fumes.

Asshole Studies (ASSH): This is the major for those who want to master being jerks on a professional level. One of the classes cross-listed in this department is How to Swear 101. That and How to be Mean 205 are major requirements. A possible career option with this major is politics.

Chocolate Studies (CHST): Chocolate is the best! This could be a part of the food major (the Gordon Ramsay Department), but chocolate deserves its own category. A class on Willy Wonka would be good.

Womp Womp Studies (WOMP): This one just sounds cute.

How to be Rich and Famous (HORF): You can go one of three ways with this department. You could learn to be rich and famous through boring clichés like working hard. You could take Kardashians 212 and learn to be famous for no good reason. Or you could choose a life of crime (Stealing 101) and become a professional thief or something. In any event, you end up with a lot of money.

Marvel Cinematic Universe Studies (MCUS): Okay. If Vassar starts offering this major, I’m declaring! My focus will be the Avengers, of course (Avengers 101), and my favorite class will be Captain America 211. Let me take this moment to fangirl over the beautiful man that is Cap (guess what I’d write my senior thesis on if I were an MCUS major?). Chris Evans is too beautiful to exist on this planet. He is beauty; he is grace. He is making me hot-faced. Oh, don’t forget Thor 210. Chris Hemsworth is also gorgeous.

Also, my senior thesis might just get me a restraining order from Chris Evans. I could even get it now because of how much research I’ve already done on him. At least I’ll get to meet him through court proceedings, perhaps. Sigh. Also, for anyone who appreciates the gorgeousness of Cap, come over to my room. My walls are covered with pictures of him. Maybe I am a stalker

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