BREAKING—Two FBI Agents Fall in Love After Being Assigned Each Other’s MacBook Airs
NEW YORK—Having graduated New York State Police Academy, local man Matthew Crispi was handpicked from a pool of applicants to audition for the FBI New York Division. “It’s a great school—a great school…I heard it had three five-star reviews on Yelp,” said Director of Admissions William F. Sweeney on his recruitment choice. Having prepared for the usual rigorous assortment of tests, Crispi was reportedly surprised to find the recruitment process had been altered by the now-retired James Comey amid Twitter backlash: “A lot of us found that actually training the FBI agents in their field was too harsh, so now we have them sing ABBA songs instead.” He paused to add in his YouTube review of the GOP memo, which he claimed should have a 2/5 rating instead of its 3.3/5 on GoodReads. Having completed a spectacular rendition of ABBA’s “Angel Eyes,” Crispi was immediately inducted into the 1,500-person team assigned to monitoring citizens through the cameras on their Macbook Airs. “We don’t f*ck with Dell,” James Comey commented. On the grounds that our head reporter do a two-minute lip sync of “Take a Chance on Me,” we were granted permission to accompany Crispi on his first assignment.
NY POLICE HEADQUARTERS—SOMEWHERE IN THE BASEMENT—“I’m really excited—it’s my first assignment,” Crispi added as he waited for his computer to locate a nearby MacBook. “Yeah, so right now I can see that they are Googling ‘Do Women Have A Prostate,’ ” he continued. This was met with whispers of doubt across the room. “Don’t they?” asked an agent who wished to remain anonymous. “Okay…so I just have to turn on this webcam and then we can get to it,” Crispi added, flipping several switches. However, the image on the screen was met with a resounding “oh sh*t” from the room. On the monitor appeared an image of the entirety of our camera crew and the back of Crispi’s head, and a woman stationed at a monitor several feet behind suddenly yelled “Sh*t, I was hoping he was cute.”
10 MONTHS LATER—HILTON HEAD, NEWARK, NEW JERSEY—We had the pleasure of briefly attending the wedding between two fellow FBI agents, Matthew Crispi and Olivia Liebler. Despite the reported rocky start to the relationship, we are happy to find that their wedding was a beautiful affair, held at the luxurious Hilton Head in Newark, New Jersey. “Nothing makes people fall in love like intrusive surveillance,” Comey added, shedding a single tear.
COMEY RESIDENCE, WESTPORT, CONNECTICUT—We attempted to follow up with former FBI Director Comey about the incident, traveling to his Connecticut timeshare last Sunday. Upon arrival, our news van passed several tastefully-placed calacatta marble statues of his beloved pomeranian, Stefán. Coming to the door in stocking-clad feet to avoid detection, Comey peeked out of Stefán’s doggie flap and demanded that we take our Girl Scout cookies elsewhere, he is stocked with Samoas for the next three decades. After much reassurance that our news team was not affiliated with the Girl Scouts, the IRS, or the Megyn Kelly segment on TODAY, Comey agreed to answer some of our questions. Although the inside of his timeshare wasn’t particularly remarkable, one of our interns commented that it looked suspiciously like Pottery Barn’s October 2017 catalogue. As we were led into his dining room, where Stefán sat in an embroidered Versace doggie cushion, Comey agreed to answer several of our questions. When asked about the accidental union of his agents Crispi and Liebler, he replied “It’s times like those where you really come to love your job as FBI director.” Our assistant reporter Kevin then asked: “Weren’t you fired though, Mr. Comey?” after which we were promptly asked to leave the premises. As we were leaving, I caught the eye of Stefán, still sitting on his $2,000 cushion. His cold, calculating and eerily human stare met my own, and it has haunted many of us months after the visit.
Several of us have reported hearing voices, having excessive night terrors and have heard small pitter-patters in the night.