‘Hey, that’s great advice!’: Ask the two mice of Main

Dear Mice of Main,

Help! Lately I’ve been using Tinder to try and find a date, but when I found a guy I really liked it turned out that he had the exact opposite political views. To prevent this from happening again, how do I find out a person’s political views over Tinder before getting emotionally invested?

—Politically but not Sexually Charged

Dear Politically but not Sexually Charged,

We get it. Before you start discussing the school-to-prison pipeline, you want to make sure your Tinder date is on the same page. Lucky for you, there are tons of ways to casually slip politics into conversation so you can figure out their political views without them knowing, and then ghost them when it turns out that you have incompatible opinions. Start with the basics: ask what their thoughts are on camo. After that, ask if they own any red baseball hats. They’ll just think you’re talking about fashion. If these questions fail to get you any answers, it’s time to break out the big guns. Bring up the NFL or hunting, and by the end of a conversation about one of those topics, you’ll know where they lie on the political spectrum. Good luck finding a match!

Dear Mice of Main,

I’ve been really intrigued by the idea of starting up a coven on campus. How should I recruit people? And logistically, how does one run a séance?

—Witch Wannabe

Dear Witch Wannabe,

We love that you’re interested in trying something new like witchcraft. College is a great time to experiment and discover unexpected interests! While recruiting people, make sure you’re clear about your passion for starting up a coven. People will pick up on that enthusiasm, and it’ll make them want to join. Perhaps mention that there are spells that ensure a good grade on a paper or slow down time when you’re napping. Once people join the coven with the intention of casting those spells, inform them that they must be advanced witches to cast them, and if they back out now, they’ll be cursed. As far as the logistics of a séance, we recommend visiting the Shakespeare garden at midnight or the Raymond elevator for an extra air of spookiness. You’ll also need some spellbooks, which the research librarians will be more than happy to assist with. Before any séance, you need to determine everyone’s role in the coven. This can be done in a number of ways. The most popular test is figuring out who can catch the most toads in an hour. Once you have established the coven hierarchy, make sure everyone abides by it, and séances will run a lot smoother. We have learned that many spells involve blood sacrifice, and although there are a large number of deer around campus, we don’t advise trying to hunt them down for their blood. Next year, just stay on campus over winter break and participate in the deer cull like everyone else.

Dear Mice of Main,

My roommate has always talked in her sleep, but lately it seems to be happening every night. It’s usually just gibberish, but it’s hard to fall asleep when she’s mumbling the name of a random baby. Are there any ways to get her to stop sleep-talking so that I can get a good night’s rest?

—Tired and Confused

Dear Tired and Confused,

First, realize that the sleep-talking may be a blessing in disguise if you learn how to use it to your advantage. When your roommate starts talking, prompt them to continue by asking them questions. This is how you can find out if they really did use your hairbrush that one time and what their true opinions are about everyone else in your friend group. However, be careful not to take this too far, because you might discover what they really think of you. Maybe they will reveal that they love reading erotic novels about roommates and that they’re secretly in love with you and have been the whole time. If you don’t have any desire to find out your roommate’s deepest, darkest secrets, then we recommend investing in a good pair of earplugs or a blanket that you can keep in your dorm’s MPR for those nights when your roommate just won’t stop talking.

Feeling sleep-deprived, wretched, heartbroken, and/or generally disoriented? Send any and all questions you want answered to Hannah ([email protected]) and/or Josie ([email protected]) with the subject “Mice Advice.” It’s guaranteed to help!


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