Deece suffers food fight tragedy, reform proves messy

Prototypes of the raw meat with which the administration plans to arm all Deece employees. This innovative, cutting-edge technology is particularly aerodynamic, pungent, and also squishy./ Courtesy of Wikipedia

Dear all,

I am writing in regard to the recent events affecting the All Campus Dining Center. Like so many other colleges across the country, ours has experienced the heinous vandalism of an isolated, unhealthy individual in a space we all cherish. We all remember too vividly the horror of walking into our beloved ACDC, or “Deece,” as some of you who follow me around trying to spot me using my phone, have called. The sight of the oversized eggplants tumbling down the front steps, the spinach coating the ground, the remnants of vegan shortbread cookies shoved into the soda fountains and above all the splattered balls of hamburger on the walls and ceilings. This meat mayhem has become an all-too-familiar sight, copying exactly the mode of vandalism in university dining halls from coast to coast. Clearly, the American higher education system has a problem. I hope here at Vassar, we can begin to address issues within our own community.

First, after careful discussion with the VSA, we have decided to take some preliminary steps. Considering that the calling card of these kinds of incidents is the spheres of raw, ground beef on the walls and ceiling, clearly the perpetrators of these attacks enjoy throwing balls. In an effort to strike at the heart of these occurrences, all baseball players attempting to swipe into the All Campus Dining Center will be denied. They are welcome to enjoy all three meals at Express or the Retreat under close supervision.

Already, the administration has come under criticism for this measure, but I assure you that We Hear You. We considered this decision from every possible angle. Some of you have written to me wondering why members of the softball, basketball, soccer, tennis and frisbee teams (Yes, we do know you are a sport, frisbee!) are not included in the ban. The pattern of these isolated incidents proves our reasoning: Lone males who love to throw things commit these acts.

Men don’t play softball, and tennis only involves throwing balls in limited capacity, and no hands are used in soccer with the exceptions of throw-ins and the goalie. Anyone who truly loves to wind up and throw would not play these sports. No, it is evident to all of us involved that the young men—nay, children—who commit this sort of heinous, disrespectful act in our community simply love to throw, and the only sport in which you truly throw balls is baseball.

Others wonder why raw hamburger is available to any student in any college dining halls The raw beef splattered upon the walls and ceiling have become emblematic of these incidents; however, Vassar College sees no connection between the ready availability of uncooked patties and these incidents. Students wishing to perpetrate these acts would buy their own hamburger, probably expired, from off the streets. Some students counter that that is a financial and logistical impracticality for most students tempted to behave in this way. It would be too expensive to buy that much chuck from a grocery store, too difficult to get it back from the grocery and too noticeable to walk across campus with a mountain of ground beef without someone stopping you. These arguments seem unfounded. Clearly these criminals are ready to disobey the codes of respect and decency expected in communal living. How can we expect mere bans on where and how much raw meat is left in the ACDC to even begin to address this issue? It is simple logic.

Students are welcome to voice their opinions at any time, but I would like to make it clear that until banning baseball players from our dining halls proves ineffective, we will enact no student-suggested methods to temper these offences. We encourage all students who must use the Deece daily to exercise caution so they do not bring these events upon themselves again. The administration is currently working on a plan to provide Deece workers with satchels of their own raw meat to throw at anyone seen behaving suspiciously. By arming Bon Appétit employees with their own patties to hurl at potential Deece trashers, these events can be prevented. Nothing stops a bad guy with a raw hamburger better than a good guy with a raw hamburger.

Thank you all for your patience through this. There will be $5 K-Cup gift cards for anyone willing to carry raw hamburger with them around campus as an extra safety measure.

Sincerely,
Wannabe President of Vassar College

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