Horoscopes 9/27

Aries

Perhaps you feel that you are coming down with a cold. I swear all of my friends have the Black Death. If you contract it as well, you’ll have about 2–4 days before you die. Wiping out one-third of Vassar College isn’t as horrendous as it sounds because the line for Express will be significantly shorter.

 

Taurus

Are you getting tired of drinking water, or are you just not willing to wait for someone to fill up their water bottle at the Deece? Either way, I suggest  fueling up on Delsym instead because it tastes good and comes with a cup for easy measuring.

 

Gemini

I often suffer from headaches. I’m sure you do as well. I just can’t seem to figure out what is causing them. It can’t be the one glass of water I drink a day or the four hours of sleep I regularly get. Please let me know if you have any solutions or if you are also baffled by my headaches.

 

Cancer

I’m sure that you, just like the rest of us, had to fill out a bunch of medical forms and get tested for tuberculosis before coming to campus. I feel like I should warn you that when I did the TB skin test, the doctor thought I had a positive reaction. Anyway, I would recommend staying away from me because my condition seems suspicious at best.

 

Leo

If you’re feeling lazy and don’t want to deal with the repercussions of skipping class, I would recommend pulling a Ferris Bueller and feigning sickness. I would suggest a hot shower and setting your room on fire in order to warm yourself up to fever level.

 

Virgo

Do you often feel plagued by fatigue and sleep deprivation? I have the solution for you: Vitamin B! My philosophy is that the more tired you are, the more pills you should take. So, if I slept only four hours, I’d take like 20 pills. Or, if I have an essay due in two hours and I haven’t started, I would just down the entire bottle.

 

Libra

I’m in love with ice cream. My biggest problem with my obsession is that I’m mom-diagnosed lactose-intolerant. I mean, she’s probably right, because eating ice cream causes me to cough and have bad gas. My mom is an expert at WebMD diagnoses, so if you have strange symptoms, let me know, and I’ll forward them on to my mom.

 

Scorpio

Did you give up your place on a floating door in the Arctic waters after your boat hit an iceberg? I suspect you are slowly freezing to death. In order to stop your transformation into ice, you should pee in the water to warm it and yourself up.

 

Sagittarius

It’s time to borrow lotion from your friend. I suspect that your skin is sloughing off as the season turns to fall. There’s no reason to worry that your dead skin cells are going to waste because on average you’ll eat 30,000 of them a day.

 

Capricorn

Is the cough that you’ve had for two months getting annoying? One way to make life less miserable is to cough to the beat of “We Will Rock You.” This way others in the library won’t be annoyed with your constant hacking and will instead be jamming to your sick beats.

 

Aquarius

As flu season descends upon us, doctors recommend that you get your flu shot. I highly discourage flu shots because the shot causes me to faint. If I end up getting sick, you should get sick too. It’s only fair.

 

Pisces

Sniffle, sniffle, I have allergies. My allergies are especially horrible because I often forget to take my medication. It’s your job this week to remind me. While a text might work, it’s way more effective to come to my room and assist me in taking it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *