Student divulges 11 ways to assert dominance in Deece

Isabel is in a booth with her otter-boxed phone, reusable mug, lights and family portrait. She already ate, but is staring intensely at her Deece date, who is eating bowl pizza. Courtesy of Isabel Morrison.

In light of the recent “name change” of the formerly-known-as All Campus Dining Center, I feel like it has become necessary to spread wisdom on how to maintain control in this constantly evolving fixture. The Deece is central to our lives at Vassar, and yet we have little control over it. It is time for change! Here are the 11 best ways to assert your dominance in the Deece.

1. Divide the Deece into cartesian quadrants to locate your friends with ease: The Deece has undergone numerous changes in my time here at Vassar, and it’s impossible to keep track of how to state one’s location in the building—left or right (TBH no one knows the difference), old small side/ old big side, weird-shaped table by desserts, booth by the graveyard—life would be so much easier if we just put our math major friends to work on simplifying this stressful aspect of coming to the Deece.

2. Beat another group of people to an open booth by throwing your otter-boxed phone halfway across the Deece into said booth, therefore claiming it: Booths are always a point of contention and are an instrumental component in this dominance-assertion process. How can you be a force in the Deece if you don’t have a home base from which to plan and execute your schemes?

3. Move into a booth for the day and decorate it like your room: Once you’ve claimed your booth with your hopefully still-intact phone, make sure everyone knows it’s yours—I’m talking string lights, posters, touching family photos, that rug your mom got you, your coffee maker, non-flammable furniture, the works!

4. Bring your own reusable mug: This way you don’t have to use a disposable cup or give the workers more dishes to wash: Ha! Take that, society! *middle finger emoji*

5. Bring your globe to the Deece to make the “Global Kitchen” truly global: I am more confused by this station every time I enter the Deece. What will it be today… mashed potatoes, pasta, a whole raw bell pepper, a potted plant? (Question: how are these things “global?”) Let’s take this station back to its roots by installing 2,450 globes.

Pictured above is a map of the Deece divided into
Cartesian quadrants. Hopefully this will help you
orient yourself and snag a booth before late night. Courtesy of Isabel Morrison.

6. Put soup on a plate and your other food in a bowl: I love to eat soup, but sometimes there isn’t a single bowl to be found in the Deece. The clear solution is to scoop your soup onto a plate. Once you’ve done this, you’re likely to find a stash of bowls where you least expected it, so fill that cereal bowl with pizza to reward yourself for the healthy plate of soup you’re about to consume!

7. Pour soup in the utensil container that clearly says “soup” on it: While we’re spreading mayhem in the “Stocks” station, take charge and do what is clearly being asked of you by the awkwardly fancy cursive label on the bucket of spoons, aka “soups.”

8. Make dinner plans at 7, but eat an entire meal at 6, and then when your Deece date shows up, say, “I already ate,” then intensely watch them eat without breaking eye contact: I have employed this strategy with mixed results. It is a good way to assert your dominance, but it can end your Deece date.

9. Take an entire three-gallon container of ice cream back to your table because it’s an All-You-Care-to-EatFacilityTM: You’ll need this one after your Deece date gets weirded out (see number seven) and suddenly becomes “too busy” to ever see you again. Fill that hole in your heart with all the ice cream you can eat.

10. Look somebody in the eye and chug water from the container that the ice cream scoops are kept in: While you’re over there picking up your three-gallon container, drown your sorrows with the drink of champions while horrifying everyone in your vicinity.

11. Call it the ACDC or better yet, the All Campus Dining Center, and be confused when someone calls it the Deece: I refuse to call this iconic location by its theoretical new alias, and so to sow even more confusion about the name, I propose we take a leaf out of our professors’ books and not even stoop low enough to call it the Deece.

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