Americans fight for right to commit vehicular homicide

These two stick figures are having a bad day. The fire of satire is burning their butts as they run from a drunk driver. If I had to guess, I’d say they’re screaming, “AHHH.” Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons and pngimg.

Last Friday, a large crowd of angry, white protesters assembled outside the steps of the U.S. District Court in Washington, D.C., as part of an ongoing nationwide movement to change America’s current laws on drunk driving. Clad in red-, white- and blue-striped t-shirts with the American flag emblazoned on the front, the protesters held up signs that read “Protect America’s Freedom” and “Patriots Do What They Want” while throwing empty beer cans at the courthouse.

This boisterous demonstration was the latest in a series of rallies led by the American non-profit company Freedom for America Forever (FAF) Foundation, which recently entered the national spotlight in October after filing a lawsuit against the U.S. government for enforcing its law against driving under the influence. In their lawsuit, the FAF Foundation argued that America’s laws against drunk driving infringed upon a fundamental American right protected by the 21st amendment of the Constitution.

“Americans have the right to drink alcohol wherever they want and whenever they want,” stated FAF Foundation’s chief executive Gary Stubert. “It doesn’t matter if it’s in a local bar or in your Volkswagen cruising 60 mph on the interstate highway—this is a fundamental freedom established by our Founding Fathers. The attempts by the media and the government to vilify those who drink while driving are a gross attack on this country’s values.”

According to the U.S. National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, drunk driving is responsible for more 10,000 American deaths per year (NHTSA, “Drunk Driving”). However, in just two weeks since the FAF Foundation announced their lawsuit, the non-profit has tripled in membership subscriptions by those who agree with the group’s doctrine of placing personal self-interest above other people’s lives.

“The FAF Foundation is right. America is a country of freedom; we shouldn’t be arrested for drinking and driving because a few people die from it every now and then. I have the right to do what I want,” argued one anonymous FAF member. “I’d rather 100 people die every day than lose my God-given right to get completely hammered in my Chevy Silverado. No one, neither the biased media nor mourning parents, will change my mind.” Throughout their campaign, the FAF Foundation has released videos and other endorsements that encouraged Americans to fight for their rights to drive under the influence, fanning the flames of controversy on social media. Countless horrified parents have expressed their shock at how so many Americans supported rolling back vehicle safety laws at the risk of jeopardizing the lives of thousands of people.

“The world is becoming increasingly dangerous for my children,” cried Sydney Rogers, a 34-year-old mother of two nine-year-old daughters. “It’s not safe for them to walk to school anymore without risking their lives.”

According to law enforcement, the number of car accidents caused by drunk drivers has skyrocketed ever since the FAF Foundation started promoting their campaign against anti–drunk driving laws. In the past week, the police reported five different major incidents of drunk driving accidents where drivers with a blood alcohol concentration well above the legal limit crashed their vehicle into crowded areas, killing 19 and injuring 37. Law enforcement has identified the suspects of all five incidents as members of the FAF Foundation. In response, the FAF Foundation denied any connection with the accidents but expressed their condolences for the victims.

“The Freedom for Americans Forever Foundation joins the nation in horror, outrage, grief and earnest prayer for the families who have suffered such an incomprehensible loss,” stated Stubert at a press conference. “Like most Americans, we were shocked by what happened. The truth is, these deaths could have been avoided if our sidewalks were fortified with concrete barriers. However, some have tried to exploit this tragedy by arguing for regulations that would infringe upon the rights of intoxicated American drivers. These people want to make all of us less free, and we must not allow that to happen. The loss of life is always a tragedy, but even the tiniest loss of freedom is immeasurable. It doesn’t matter if the victim is an adult man or a small child—no life is worth losing our right to drive irresponsibly.”

Update, [Nov. 26, 2018]: Gary Stubert was reportedly hit by a drunk driver at 11:48 p.m. tonight in Schenectady, NY. The FAF Foundation has kindly asked its fellow members to send in their thoughts and prayers.

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