Horoscopes

Aries

Recently, I was introduced to a Squatty Potty, which is a little stool that helps you get out your stool. Now that I’m back at school and Squatty Potty-less, I feel like I’m going to get a hernia. Do yourself a favor and bring your textbooks to the bathroom to use as a makeshift Squatty Potty.

 

Taurus

If you really want to know how much your friends care about you, host a Kahoot night. Create Kahoots with trivia from each year of your life. The friend that gets last place obviously doesn’t care about you enough, so kick them out of your life for good.

 

Gemini

Over break I went to the dentist with my mom. Dentists are really scary, so if you ever have to see one, make sure you take your mom. Otherwise you’ll find out that you have 27 cavities.

 

Cancer

The stars suggest that you should stop eating lactose. I’ve been trying to do that, but then I ate mac and cheese for dinner. Then I realized that I had yogurt for lunch. So I gave up and did the gallon milk challenge. If it’s a cheat day, grab the bull by the horns.

 

Leo

A new semester. A new you. But you don’t know the things you did. You’re lost. Feeling behind. Lost. Out of the groove. Tear. It’s cold. Tear. The only answer now is to drop out of school so you don’t have to see the face of the new semester. Go now, young one.

 

Virgo

Even after a year of writing horoscopes, I still don’t know all of the star signs. I am a fraud. I don’t even know what my rising and moon signs are! Be brave this week and admit when you are lying about your astrological knowledge. Or lie to people, and you’re a Leo rising and Gemini moon for all I care.

 

Libra

Exercise is important, so I’ve decided to start working out by wearing my backpack filled with all of my textbooks everywhere I go. Two of them are rentals though, so I have to be careful that I take them out before I go swimming.

 

Scorpio

My mom hung up on me yesterday and I’m still not over it. She is supposed to be on my side always—but she wronged me. So, I’ve started plotting revenge. I can’t decide whether I want to break the Best Mom Ever mug or throw away the snacks she packed me. Remember to plot revenge this week.

 

Sagittarius

If you happen to find your pants wet in an incriminating place (perhaps it looks like you peed yourself), the only option is to smear dirt on your butt. People will be so focused on the possible poop stain on your pants that they won’t notice the pee.

 

Capricorn

Thongs are incredibly uncomfortable. If you haven’t had the displeasure of wearing one, stop by my room, and I’ll loan one to you. I don’t know if they are universally uncomfortable or if I’m just wearing them backwards.

 

 

Aquarius

Math, math the musical bath.

The more you eat, the more you laugh.

The more you laugh, the better you feel,

So we have math at every meal!

 

Pisces

You will follow your dreams. Specifically the one where a snake is chasing you through a pool and one of its three heads is barking. Avoid water. Seriously.

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