Urgent flood update: Vassar considers allocating snorkels

Pictured above is Vassar’s now swimming pool. Not only is it Olympic-sized, it dou- bles as a communal tub. I heard students use the new communal pool for nude bathing. Courtesy of Isaac Gallogly.

POUGHKEEPSIE — Multiple sources have reported that Vassar College is, indeed, the latest victim of global climate change. Once a treasured campus, abounding with character and activity, Vassar has unfortunately transformed into a single, giant puddle. At this time, the cause of the flood is unknown, but members of the scientific community at Vassar are pointing to glacial melting as the culprit.

In search of answers, I contacted the chief analyst at the National Association of Staged Aeronautics (NASA) who requested to remain anonymous during this time of questionable job security within the United States’ government. He could neither confirm nor deny these allegations but insinuated that the destruction of Vassar’s campus could be a sign of what’s to come.

Arguably the most affected area of campus is none other than Joss Beach, whose character was once a source of pride for inhabitants of Josselyn House and all Vassar students alike. On any given day, students could be seen frolicking through the beautifully manicured grass or flying around on brooms—simply enjoying the fruits of life.

At the moment, Joss Puddle (formerly Joss Beach) is nothing more than a pool of tears, a graveyard, a reminder of the destruction of climate change. And most of all, Vassar students are demanding answers for the loss of their beloved. In the words of me, the expert on all things puddles, government intervention is the only remedy.

In the midst of the longest-lasting government shutdown in modern times, the fate of Vassar’s campus is unquestionably the most pressing matter.

It is my understanding that the majority of Vassar students believe a fleet of government-issued rafts would help alleviate the burden that the puddlication has placed on travel. However, critics have suggested that a raft initiative would require the construction of canals. This would be far too expensive.

According to the Only White House Aide Who Has Yet To Be Fired, President Trump was reportedly briefed on the incident early Thursday morning. He was overheard denying the validity of climate change but nevertheless insisting that a wall be built along the eastern coast of the United States to prevent the beaches of the Atlantic from meeting the same fate as Vassar’s Joss Beach.

Unfortunately, however, it remains uncertain how the President plans to handle the current situation in Poughkeepsie.

It is my understanding that the majority of Vassar students believe a fleet of government-issued rafts would help alleviate the burden that the puddlication has placed on travel. However, critics have suggested that a raft initiative would require the construction of canals. This would be far too expensive.

Additionally, the Vassar Transportation Service has informed me that the campus is not yet equipped for raft traffic, stating that a number of modifications would need to be made to the campus, including—but not limited to—the following: five-signal traffic lights, drawbridges and the issuance of sailor’s hats to all students.

The Institution of Aquatic Transportation also raises a number of questions. Will motor-powered boats be permitted? Will students be able to bring their own boats to school and, if so, will they have to be parked an ungodly distance from the main campus? If there are not enough rafts for all students, will snorkels be distributed? What’s the deal with speedos, and most importantly, can I Jet Ski in the residential quad?

Before any progress can be made, these questions must be answered, and my hope is that it’s a yes to the Jet Ski thing.

Beyond new travel habits, the puddlication will result in a number of changes around campus. Vassar’s swim team has reportedly moved all of its winter practices from the AFC to the new Joss Puddle, citing its superior depth and connection with nature.

On top of that, the recently-assembled Puddlication Committee has reportedly begun serious discussions surrounding the addition of a Vassar water polo team now that there are two available pools on campus.

Also worth noting, the dining service will begin serving freshly caught seafood in the Deece. The position of fisherfolk will be available as work study in the coming weeks.

Also worth noting, Vassar-branded floaties are now available for purchase in the bookstore, but I am told that they are flying off the shelves.

Happy “winter”!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *