The Miscellany News

Aries

This week, embrace change. Things may not go exactly the way you want them to, but ultimately, that may be for the best. Embrace chaos, too. Too much order can get you down. Embrace other things that start with “ch.” Chickens, for example.

Taurus

The symbol of Taurus, I hear, is the beautiful and noble bull. Ironically, what you need to do this week is cut “bull” out of your life. Ignore the reminder on your phone telling you to read that biology textbook. Ignore that text from your mom that says “did u saw the barben movie?” You don’t need that kind of toxicity.

Gemini

Some people’s love language is physical touch; others prefer acts of service. Yours is more basic: Latin. Start learning it on Duolingo now, or you may never find love. Ubi est Caecilius? And how will you ever find him if you don’t start studying the nominative case stat?

Cancer

Santa has eight reindeer—nine, if you include that unbearable showoff Rudolph—and you have none. Don’t you think that’s somewhat of a personal failing? This week, start building a squad of cloven-hoofed friends who love you for who you are and will drop everything to pull your gift-laden sleigh at a moment’s notice. This is either a metaphor or not depending on your personal context.

Leo

This week, focus on trust, in yourself and others. Does the shrimp your friend cooked look suspiciously raw? Don’t worry about it! Just have faith! Not sure whether you have French homework? If it was important, you would have remembered! It’s probably fine! It’s all probably fine!

Virgo

School is back in session, and you know what that means: sweaty, semi-nude lemonade parties in your friend’s aromatic Jewett suite. No? Just me? Ok, never mind then. I don’t have anything else to say to Virgos. I’m sure you’ll all be fine this week.

Libra

Unleash the true rage you feel. Have you ever felt true rage? I’m not talking about basic anger, or petty irritation or any of that stuff. I mean genuine, red-hot, incandescent rage, the kind that makes you boil from the inside and twists your intestines in knots. If you know what I mean, let it out. It’ll feel better than keeping it all pent up.

Scorpio

This week, read the terms and conditions. Don’t thoughtlessly click accept; that’s how they get you. Stay on your toes. Don’t accept cookies either. Unless it’s the kind with the macadamia nuts. I’m pretty sure those are okay.

Sagittarius

I’ve never met one of these. I’m actually convinced it’s a whole conspiracy, and if I acknowledge that Sagittariuses (Sagittarii?) exist, a bunch of people will jump out from behind the furniture and start laughing at me. I refuse to dignify this made up, bogus, phony, ersatz astrological sign with a horoscope. Pass.

Capricorn

I know you just moved back onto campus, but you should wash your sheets. Are you sure you washed them while you were home for the summer? Are you really sure? Would you bet your life on it? Just do it. You’ll thank me later.

Aquarius

Everything is going to go your way this week. I’m actually kind of annoyed just thinking about it. Without trying, you’ll find yourself frolicking in fields of daisies, sharing special moments with loved ones and truly appreciating life’s small pleasures. Or whatever.

Pisces

Be kind. Nurse a wounded butterfly back to health and nod wisely as it flutters away. When your friend asks if their back-t0-school haircut is criminally ugly, smile and say “Of course not!” Always say thank you. Spend the week pretending to be an all-round font of joy. It might be fun.