As students moved into their dorms this semester, the reality of an un-air-conditioned room soon set in. Fans were cranked to the maximum, air conditioning requests were filed at the pace of a Ferrari on steroids and ice-cold water became a sudden scarcity. With no quick fix, everyone on campus has let out a collective cry of exasperation in the sweltering heat.
But one student has the perfect solution at the ready. Frederick Mercury ’27, an ambitious and charismatic first-year music major, is now handing out pairs of aviator glasses, boxes of free electric guitars and hand-stitched bomber jackets. The cool apparel is so oversized that each item fills an entire Noyes double. After donning the popular fashion items, each Vassar dorm has become much cooler, transforming from an intolerable, sweat-inducing disaster to a place people wouldn’t mind relaxing in.
We interviewed one sophomore who attested to the effectiveness of Mercury’s plan.
“Look, I’m a big fan of Freddie’s. I’m such a big fan that I could almost be part of an air conditioner. Freddie’s got this cool thing nailed down 100 percent.”
In an official letter to the Vassar community, Mercury says he has no plans to stop now because he’s having such a good time. He is not Under Pressure from college administration, but he’s glad he made this Breakthrough because, despite the heat, The Show Must Go On.
Asked about the prospect of upcoming storms affecting the high temperatures, Mercury concluded with a word of meteorological expertise:
“Any way the wind blows,” he stated, “doesn’t really matter to me.”