Vassar Dining has found new ways to sink deeper into the depths of mediocrity and disappointment. This past week, they announced via email that hot food items at the popular Main eating spot, Retreat, would be taking a sabbatical, leaving frequent Retreaters stuck in a world of cold and room temperature meal options.
In response, some students are turning towards divine intervention to solve Retreat’s hot woes. Calling themselves “Retreationists,” this group is sending their prayers to the mythical figure, Gordon Common, who they believe will guide the second coming of Retreat hot food. I convened with a few Retreationists at their weekly service on the Deece’s second-floor stage to discuss their new belief system.
“I pray to Mr. Common every night, hoping for a heated tomorrow,” said one Retreationist. “First they came for Express hot food, and I said nothing. Then it was the grape jelly, and again I said nothing. Now this. Why didn’t we speak up sooner?”
Next, I spoke to the Retreationists’ worship leader, who discussed the religion’s strict dietary restrictions such as the avoidance of the Street Eats food truck, which has extended its hours this semester. “Street Eats is a false god. It is a food truck and yet the food is not food-truck quality. We Retreationists do not engage with such deception.”
As for more general commandments, the Retreationist leader had this to say: “Yeah, just like, don’t be a jerk. Also you can’t have an active account on Fizz—Gordon Common’s words spoken through me, not mine.” The Retreationist continued. “These are really only temporary commandments. I can see the promised land already. Egg sandwiches will be plentiful once again. Retreat chili will be as good as Express chili used to be. The pizza burger will finally return.”
Next I talked to a Retreationist who was tasked with compiling the religion’s holy texts into the Book of Gordon. “I’ve never made a holy book before, so I’m excited! I’m thinking it’ll be kind of zine-y, maybe throw some whiteout poetry in it … God, I would totally get an A in a Holy Book Writing class,” said the Retreationist, proudly.
Despite the religion’s one week of existence, Retreationism has already had a major schism, with a small sect of Retreationists dividing in favor of a Christian flair. Calling themselves “Retreationistians,” (not to be confused with the Retreationists) they believe the second coming of Retreat hot food will coincide with the second coming of Jesus Christ, with the two converging for Chicken Nugget Tuesday. I spoke with one Retreationistian on the matter.
“JC’s gonna be like, ‘I’m back, where are those chicken nuggets at?’ This will be Jesus’ first supper in quite a while, so he’s gonna be hungry. After he finishes, he’ll be like, ‘Well, I guess I gotta go judge the living and the dead. Catch you later.’ Classic Jesus,” said the Retreationistian. I talked to a Retreationist who had a different opinion.
“The Retreationistians have it all wrong. As a Retreationist, I don’t believe Jesus of Nazareth is gonna come back for Retreat Hot Food. I don’t really want him there anyways. He’d probably say something weird like,‘These chicken nuggets are my body, given to you.’ Like, why can’t they just be chicken nuggets, JC? Why do you gotta make it all about you?” The Retreationist kicked a wall in frustration.
There is one thing that the Retreationists and Retreationistians do agree on, though: that the jerks, Street Eats-ers and Fizz users will apparently not be welcomed into the Kingdom of Hot Food, as their VCards will explode on the day of reckoning.
“I mean, that’s a fixable problem, but those CIS lines are gonna be insane,” said one Retreationist. But as far as having a timeline for retribution, the Retreationist have yet to produce clear answers.
“I’m not sure when Retreat Hot Food will return, but I hope and I pray to Gordon Common that it’ll happen before I graduate,” said the Retreationist’s youngest convert, a fifth grader from Westchester and a hopeful member of the class of 2035.