In a statement to The Misc last week, the Deece has announced the termination of their cup gluing program, citing supply chain issues, student frustration, issues with the supply chain and, most importantly, supply chain issues.
The Deece gluing committee consisted of eight members who all had way too much time and glue on their hands. When the allegations of cup-gluing were announced, it was quickly realized that each committee member had less-than-ideal reasons for gluing the cups together.
Elmer G. Sticks, for one, wanted to glue the cups together to increase share prices in his gluing company. This caused most of the committee to point fingers at him when the gluing accusations came out, shouting “It’s Elmer’s glue!” But despite their denials, other members of the gluing committee also had a vested interest in gluing the cups together.
Another member named Bond, James Bond, said he wanted the cups to bond together so people would learn how to serve drinks properly. “When you separate glued cups, you have to shake them apart,” he explained. “It’s best to have drinks shaken, not stirred.”
The lack of available plastic cups combined with the recent removal of compostable cups caused many students to go thirsty for days. More than 25 students daily were writing letters to the Deece complaining that their voices were a little hoarse. When asked for comment, Bond stated, “A little horse is what we used to make the glue for our cups.”
After the secret committee was revealed, students piled on more with their frustration. Eli W. ’25 stated that the glue led him to a state of exasperation every morning. “It’s like I have to play a mini game of reverse Tetris before I can eat breakfast! In the mornings, I’m always so tired—my brain is thoroughly cooked. Unlike the rice I had for dinner last night.”
Another student named Eli W. ’26, agreed with Eli W.’s sentiments. Eli W ’27 concurred with Eli W. and Eli W. So, too, did Eli W., Eli W., Eli W., Eli W., Eli W., Eli W., Eli W., Eli W. and Eli W., scrawling their passionate feedback notes on the corkboard by the exit.
Without glue, the Deece has no official policy on keeping its cups together. Bond could only offer us a short word on the future of Vassar’s beverage receptacles:
“We’ll throw some ideas (not glue) at a wall and see if anything sticks.”