As I sat in the Deece one morning a few weeks ago, digging into my eleventh bowl of oatmeal with raisins, I noticed something…odd. No, it was not pizza with shrimp on it, or somebody walking around barefoot. What I experienced was even more unsettling. I felt the very table I was sitting at move ever so slightly away from me. I glanced up and down the tables’ long, jagged edges, but I saw nobody near enough to be the culprit. I went back to my oats, but then it happened again! In fact, over the next few days I would notice all the tables in the Deece slowly moving tiny amounts towards each other. I knew this was no laughing matter, so I jumped into action.
I immediately suspected tectonic activity, so I reached out to every single person in the Earth Science and Geography Department. Over the next week, we worked as a team to establish what exactly was amiss with the Deece tables. By tracking the tables, making chalk outlines and taking careful measurements, the entire Earth Science and Geography Department and I determined that the Deece tables are all slowly moving towards each other at a shockingly rapid rate.
This news was a major surprise to both me and the Earth Science and Geography Department. We sprang into action trying to come up with some reason behind why the Deece tables had decided to strike out on their own. We finally came to the one and only obvious conclusion; the Deece tables were never meant to be separated in the first place.
It’s been long rumored that the Deece tables are actually one large table that fits together like a beautiful family-style puzzle. Well dear reader, you heard it here first, this is NO rumor. The Earth Science and Geography Department and I have decided to name this mega table “Deecegea.”
Through science, I determined that the formation of Deecegea was always just a matter of time. The Deece tables were never meant to be brutally ripped apart from one another. You can think of the Deece tables as an aspen grove, all sharing roots and destined to be together forever. The way we have forced them to ignore these roots and live separately from each other? Well there’s no other word for it besides barbaric. I spoke to the Earth Science and Geography Department, and they, speaking in unison, told me everything the people of Vassar College need to know.
“Basically, Deecegea is coming and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it. Vassar students can expect Deecegea to take its final form in like one to maybe 79 weeks. Hey! Maybe by then the Retreat will be open on weekends again and you won’t have to worry about it.”
Well readers, if you’re anything like me, those words sent a shiver down your spine. I can only imagine the kind of horrific fighting that will go on to get a seat around the table. I reached out to some concerned students, and here’s what they have to say.
The first student I spoke to told me, “I’m SUPER worried about this whole Deecegea thing. I never imagined competition for a Deece booth could get more intense, but now I’m seriously freaked. There’s going to be no privacy if we all have to sit together! I already see past situationships too much in here.”
Not every student shared these concerns though, and some even see Deecegea as a community-building opportunity. The second one I spoke with wanted me to know one thing, and one thing only. “It’s gonna be sick when all lacrosse guys can sit around the edge of Deecegea, you know, like the Last Supper.”
So, there you have it, Vassar students. Despite all my best science, and the efforts of the entire Earth Science and Geography Department, Deecegea is coming. All I can say to you now is be aware, and be prepared: eating in the Deece is about to get a whole lot cozier.