Shocking. Transformative. Awe-inspiring. These are three words that a very real student said when they observed that, thanks to Families Weekend, Vassar College recently underwent a massive transformation. You may be asking yourself, “What do you mean, ‘transformation’?” Surely, the notorious campus rats still hold true authority and the Retreat persists in selling Dust Bowl-level-dry sandwiches? Fear not, because these circumstances persist. Rather, a social transformation has overtaken the campus as kids engage in a new activity that has been coined: the de-party.
With the oncoming influx of parents, students no longer have the time or the mindset to flock to the usual TH parties where loud music and low lighting abound. Rather, students are electing to take part in a more retirement-home-esque routine. With thickly rimmed spectacles, students in Jewett can be seen occupying the common room playing Bingo. Students such as Billy Nare transform from anonymous first-years identifiable only by their full-body jorts to notorious champions when they conquer this nonagenarian game. Billy Nare reports, “I was in tight competition with Gamsen Thusiast. I had four in a diagonal and she had four across. But I knew luck was on my side. As soon as the announcer called N 43, I said, ‘Huh? Sorry, young lady, could you speak up? What did you say? Send more trees? G 17? Miss? Could you speak it right into my ear? My tufts of ear hair act as an almost impenetrable barrier to most sound waves.’ Then, Synthia, the sweet announcer yelled N 43 into my ear. Instantly, it was over for Gamsen. I shouted Bingo and realized I had achieved self-actualization on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. I’m sorry, does anyone have a handkerchief? I think I left mine when I was cleaning my dictaphone and this is just truly a sentimental moment.”
Students in Raymond have been spotted playing chess in the light of dwindling candles. Dressed in ornate caps and gowns, these Scrooge-looking figures will probably end up in a stalemate. They’re not too timid to ask you hard-hitting questions in the heat of the game like, “What piece is this? And, when will my wife Mary-Lou come back? I haven’t seen her since the War of 1812.” Just as one week ago, they loved the song “Love Sosa” by Chief Keef, now their new favorite hits include “Unintelligible Caveman White Noise” and “Silence.”
You may wonder why call it a de-party rather than an anti-party or geriatric gathering? Well, these endlessly entertaining hang-outs have been coined de-parties thanks to the fleeting nature of the events. Because of the propensity of these college students to fall asleep and emit dinosaur-esque snores, festivities promptly end at 7 p.m. The rambunctious teens then “depart” back to their bedrooms for a mere 14 hours of rest.
Even though Families Weekend is now over, it appears that this crazy new de-party culture is here to stay. So watch out for underclassmen who can play a mean game of Gin Rummy and upperclassmen who…
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Sorry, what was I saying? Oh yes, back in my day…