The Miscellany News

Orlando, Florida: A place infested with the infamous Florida Man, the largest retirement community in the United States and, of course, theme parks. 

I’m a semi-proud Floridian. I have lived in Florida for about 12 years, so I consider myself a pretty valid source on this topic. That being said, I am going to discuss the major theme parks and give them a rating. These are my correct opinions and I won’t be taking any criticism. 

Disney World

The massive Disney conglomerate of Animal Kingdom, Hollywood Studios, Epcot and Magic Kingdom attracts tourists from all over the world, but not me. Personally, I’ve only been there a few times. I’m not the biggest fan of screaming children, tourists and Disney adults. You have not known true terror until you’ve looked into the eyes of a fully grown adult who considers Disney their home. Bonus points if they have multiple pairs of Mickey ears. Magic Kingdom gets extra points in my book for having fun decorations and a cute Halloween event for little kids and college-aged young adults who are too scared to try to go to Universal’s Halloween Horror Nights (not speaking from experience). 

I am giving the Disney Parks a rating of 5/10. I’m docking points for the traffic and the ugly Disney-themed houses and neighborhoods that are located around the parks. However, to quote my high school economics teacher: “You do not mess with the Rat. The Rat has more money than God.” I’m adding the extra points for nostalgia, but mostly out of fear of the Rat. 

Busch Gardens

I know that Busch Gardens is in Tampa, not Orlando, but I decided to include it anyway because I want to and this is my list. I went there once on a field trip in middle school and it was pretty fun, so I’m going to give it a crisp 6/10. I’m giving them points for the fun roller coasters, but I’m taking points off for the captive animals. I saw someone who works at the park walking a cheetah on a leash to show it to people, and I don’t love that. It seems dangerous, but also mean. Have you ever tried to walk a cat? Me neither, but it doesn’t seem like it would go over too well. 

Universal Studios & Islands of Adventure

This theme park is hands down my favorite out of the popular ones in Orlando. My personal favorite is Islands of Adventure, mostly because of the roller coasters. Side note: you should never wait in the general line at a theme park. Why do that when you can get through the line so much faster if you go in the single-rider section? Sure, you have to sit next to a stranger for about 3 minutes, but it’s worth it to avoid waiting in line for two hours. Anyway, I try to avoid the Dr. Seuss section of the park because it is incredibly unsettling to me. I always have and always will be freaked out by Dr. Seuss. 

Universal Studios is home to an excessive number of Minion-themed attractions, drawing in plenty of people who still unironically repost Minion memes. The worst part of the park is the Simpsons area. I truly hate everything about it and I’m not accepting any criticism. I stepped foot in that area once and I have never and will never go there again. 

Overall, I’m rating Universal an 8/10. I’m docking points for the parts of the park that I don’t like, but other than that I really have no complaints about it.  

Seaworld

I haven’t been to Seaworld very often. I went on a field trip in seventh grade and we were required to go to the show where they make the whales and dolphins do tricks. Much to the chaperones’ dismay, the show ended with approximately 130 12-year-olds chanting “whale jail.”  

Seaworld gets a 2/10. I don’t think that I need to explain this.  

Legoland

I’ve never been but 9/10, the concept sounds very cool. 

The Water Parks of Orlando

I don’t have much to say about these either. The ones that I can think of are Aquatica, Discovery Cove, Blizzard Beach and Volcano Bay. These are all subsets of the larger parks mentioned earlier, providing extra fun for people looking to swim around in huge pools filled with germs and bacteria. My mom is not a fan of water parks, so I was never allowed to go to them when I was little. 

Now I, too, hate water parks. I don’t know if this is because I am subconsciously upset that I never got to go to water parks when my friends went, or because I finally realized how gross they are. All I’m picturing is people walking into bathrooms with bare feet and little kids (and probably adults) peeing in the pools. That’s absolutely repulsive. 1/10—water parks are a vile place to spend your time and money. 

Honorary mention: Gatorland

The true jewel of the Orlando area: Gatorland. I’ve only been once and it’s not a theme park but it truly changed the trajectory of my life. It is also the third best place to buy funny Florida tourist merchandise, behind airport gift shops and the random stores around Disney. People can pay to zipline over a lake designed to encourage alligators to mate. I don’t know about you, but personally, I don’t want to zipline over a lake full of amorous alligators. Despite the potential threat of falling into a pool of gators, I thought the park was pretty entertaining. 10/10. I like looking at alligators and I also bought my favorite t-shirt from there; a true Florida experience all-around.