In the most state-of-the-art renovations to Vassar’s campus in the past decade, the upgrades have all shared one improvement in common: the addition of automatic sinks. In parts of Main, Cushing, New England and Sanders Physics, sinks have been freed of their handles, mesmerizing their users as their hands are washed on a journey to the future through highly refined advancements in cutting-edge modern technology.
After observing the success of these sinks (and ignoring giant puddles of water on the floor), Vassar has taken another bold step and pioneered the next innovation in the automatic water industry: automatic showers.
Vassar inventor Gene E. Yuss explained how he mustered the brainpower for such an insightful move. “I looked at all of the world’s problems and thought about how I could make my mark. Deadly climate change. International migrant crises. Millions of famished families. I knew these had to be addressed.”
“But for me, one crisis loomed larger than them all: the two seconds it takes to lift up a sink or shower handle.”
Yuss’ idea has now been implemented in all dorm showers. To operate the shower stalls, students wave their hands frantically in front of the shower head until the water comes out. The water will either be scalding hot or fresh-out-of-Antarctica cold, with no option to control the temperature. Yuss’ assistant Ann Noy Ing provided The Misc with some insight as to why the temperature control has been removed.
“One of the biggest features of showers is the ability to make the water warmer or cooler,” Ing explained. “When Yuss forgot to include a lever in our sinks and showers, we just kinda said ‘Whoops!’ and hoped no one would notice. Innovation, right?”
The two inventors also explained how they decided how long the water will run for. According to their assistant Incon V. E. Nient, a proper hand-washing is supposed to last about 20 seconds and a shower around five to ten minutes. Yuss kept these key figures in mind as he designed the apparatuses, except at the end when he completely forgot about them. The scalding or freezing water will spray in short bursts for three to five seconds until you can find the sensor again.
To top it off, Yuss and his team wanted to make sure that all of the useful functionalities of manually controlled sinks or showers were completely removed. There is now no way to control the pressure of the shower; pressure is now completely up to the fate of the 1890s plumbing in your dorm room. Yuss and Ing assured us that this will create no problems whatsoever and even offered us a pinky promise as a token of their virtuousness.
Next week, Yuss will share more of his ingenuity with the Vassar community, delivering a three-hour lecture on why he installed windows in some of the showers in Noyes.