In the 21st century, we all are aware of the dangers of the 24-hour news cycle. We are all cognizant of the fact that journalism is often tainted by a capitalist system that permits profit through sensationalized news rather than truth. Despite these unfortunate facts, I have decided to do exactly the same thing: overdramatize news in the hopes that YOU (the reader) will tune in to my ridiculousness. Here is a list of headlines and what they actually mean.
Wild Hyena Roams Campus Screaming in Desperation
Though this sentence evokes an image of a David Attenborough-narrated nature documentary like one with miserable and adorable penguins struggling to waddle up a colossal hill, I promise you this is actually an anthropocentric statement. Wild hyena roams campus screaming in desperation, in Vassar terms, refers to any singer croaking loudly on their way to the Deece. These off-tune musicians are often found walking alone, yet act as if they hold an audience beyond Matthew Vassar’s ghost. Despite the cacophony of these artists, I appreciate that their serenading wakes me up as I walk to breakfast, even better than the brisk wind does.
The Yeti Runs Wild on Campus: Blizzard Consumes All
Between climate change and the recent resurgence in the belief in mythical creatures (thanks to YouTube), this could very well be a serious headline. However, the actuality of this headline is much more mundane. It refers simply to the unbearable cold that devours this campus. Ever since the temperatures hit sub-40, I have been attacked by the cold, leaving my cheeks rosy red, as if I were in the 1800s and had scarlet fever or, more realistically, as if the Yeti has been slapping my face for the past hour. The blizzard is the inner emotions I feel—cold, freezing anger—every morning when I walk one minute (an eternity) to class. And I despise that I am in the transitional phase between jackets; either I wear a jacket that is slightly too cold and walk around with my hands shoved into my pockets like Bob Dylan or I wear a jacket that is so big it looks like I got eaten by Frosty the Snowman.
Arsonist at Raymond: Inferno Sweeps Campus
Now, this headline would be true if the fire alarms were set off by real fire. Instead, within the past week, the Raymond fire alarm has gone off three times (twice within one day) and there has been no fire in sight. I actually wish there were an arsonist because then I wouldn’t look so foolish outside at midnight on a Thursday, jumping around to escape the cold. And at least there would be real heat coming from the fire. It would be warm and toasty. As Nat King Cole famously wrote in his song, “chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Raymond burned from head to toe.” And, honestly, the chance of having a real fire in Raymond is substantial considering the age of the dryers and people’s general inability to take the lint out of the lint trap. If the dryers are shaking so much that it sets off a magnitude 7.0 earthquake, that is a sign you’re using the machine wrong. I have taken lint out of the dryer that is so thick it could be used to reconstruct the clothes it came from. If the Yeti needs a new sweater, the Raymond lint traps have the materials. And if, by chance, a real inferno does sweep campus, maybe then Raymond would get renovated.
Though I haven’t actually seen a wild hyena, Yeti or inferno on this campus, I experienced each in my own way. Or maybe I did actually see a Yeti—you know what they always say, the Yeti is in the eye of the beholder. Now that I think about it, I did see a Yeti rap battle on YouTube in what looked like a Vassar dorm. And everyone knows about the infallibility of the exposure of cryptids on YouTube.