How did I spend last week? What a beautiful question, thank you so much for asking, I would love to tell you. Was it studying for the chem exam I bombed yesterday? Was it dealing with the ever-growing laundry pile that’s taken over my coffin single? Was it having a nice time and enjoying my life? NO. No, dear reader. Instead of any of those things, I spent last week chained to my cell phone, imprisoned by a small beast. This beast was a widget that moved onto my home screen and went by the name of Huevo.
You may be wondering, how did I acquire Huevo, or, more accurately, how did he acquire me? And what is he exactly?
It was a glorious afternoon in the Deece. I had just finished a massive turkey sandwich, and my boyfriend and I were having a classic giggle sesh. It’s crucial for you to know, I had recently been in the emergency room for a concerning medical issue, and I think my boyfriend would’ve done anything to cheer me up. Thus, when I showed him a TikTok of another couple adopting a “widget pet” that they could co-parent between their two phones, he lovingly acquiesced, and we both downloaded the app. We set up our first free egg to hatch, boyfriend christened him “Huevo,” and we were off to the races!
The first few hours were nothing but fun. Huevo was supposed to take 24 hours to hatch, but as we excitedly waited for his arrival, we watched every 30-second ad that we could. Each one brought us an hour closer to meeting our little guy. Finally, at 4:48 p.m., weighing a whopping 11 pounds, six ounces, Huevo came into the world. He was a tiny, perfect, adorable squirrel, and we couldn’t have been more in love.
This love lasted roughly 27 minutes.
Huevo was immediately a menace. The first thing he asked me to do was go visit boyfriend’s phone dressed in a Halloween costume to “prank him.” This so-called prank was, in a word, pathetic. He jumped up a little and said “boo!” Completely juvenile and not scary in the least. Boyfriend sent him back to prank me, but then we were done with the Halloween shenanigans. That’s when the whining began in earnest.
What they don’t tell you in all these cute TikToks is that the widget is ceaseless in its demands. I think boyfriend and I would’ve had a better time caring for a newborn baby than we did maintaining Huevo’s delicate constitution. It seemed that whenever he was on my phone, he was begging for food, a bath, help shitting, or help “relaxing,” which involved giving him either diet cola or milk to drink before bed. The kicker was, I couldn’t get a break by sending the little creature to boyfriend’s phone, no, no, no. While boyfriend was spending hours upon hours completing endless assignments for computer science and number theory, Huevo would send me notes asking me to remind boyfriend to feed him. It became tiresome immediately, but we brought this squirrel into the world, and we decided to wait at least a week before taking him out of it again.
Huevo was a surprisingly picky eater for a squirrel. I look back coldly on the moment he asked me for grass for dinner. We were all out of grass, so I offered him the vaguely named “chowder” thinking that surely that would stave off his pangs of hunger. I was not so lucky. The app was quick to let me know. “Huevo doesn’t want to eat chowder. Please feed the food it wants.” Now, when I was growing up, my parents always told me they were not short order cooks, we lived by “get what you get and don’t throw a fit.” Apparently Huevo could not understand this age-old adage and would rather go on a hunger strike than be denied his grass. So, I bowed to the mechanical beast before me and watched a 30-second ad for a Candy Crush knockoff app so that my little boy could have his tummy’s truest desire.
Boyfriend fared no better. Despite being a squirrel, Huevo whined for foods that are decidedly not part of the rodent’s natural diet. When he finally asked for something we expected, boyfriend let me know “This is the first nut he’s asked for, the little bastard.” Huevo continued his pleas for help, and the tiny monster, not even potty-trained after days of our help, begged boyfriend for more. Boyfriend resented this, telling me “Oh, and now he needs to shit. Bitch.” All in all, he was a pathetic, worthless and helpless little being.
Boyfriend and I dedicated ourselves to being caring, attentive and present parents for a whole entire week. What did we learn? Well, it’s quite simple really.
Wrap it before you tap it.