On Monday night, I spent three hours in the Deece. Three whole hours. What could possibly be so enticing about the most ordinary dining establishment on this side of the Mississippi? Is it the camaraderie of classmates simultaneously chowing down on their food? Is it the delicious prospect of Deece Cream in a cup? No. It is none of these things. Honestly, I don’t even know what it is, beyond perhaps utter boredom and internal resistance to walking back to my dorm in the chilly weather. What I do know is that the Deece is a time warp that enables me to waste my precious time away. Thus, considering my regrets, I provide to you a list of things I could have done instead of spending three hours in the Deece.
Worked on Papers
This time of year comes with an inordinate number of final assignments. For some reason, my life forecast reads, “Cloudy with a Chance of Essay,” as I personally have two 10-page papers due at the end of the semester. These papers have sucked the absolute lifeblood out of me to the point that I am one difficult citation away from going “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” on my citation book. Considering it’s the only source of conversation I’ve had in days, I don’t think I’m far from splashing water on it while calling it psychotic. If I had spent my three Deece hours working on my papers, maybe I would have preserved my sanity and prevented myself from anthropomorphizing the Chicago Manual of Style.
Gone to Hell
Within less than three hours, I could have gone to my personal hell, also known as Disney World. Though a great experience for kids, Disney World teems with a dangerous infection: Disney Adults. These people visit Disney on a constant basis and ruin it for every normal human being. They vlog their fake weeping tears of joy at certain rides and wear overpriced Disney merchandise styled for toddlers. They push around actual kids in line to get to the greatest attractions. They endlessly mention every scene from every Disney movie on Earth and make me want to Debbie Downer them.
Watched a Christmas Movie
On Monday, it wasn’t yet socially acceptable to get into Christmas cheer, but I still would’ve much preferred this. I’m not even Christian, but I would rather proselytize myself by watching the most plotless big-city-woman-returns-to-small-town movie on Hallmark than stay trapped in the Deece. We all know she’s going to give up everything, her friends, her fancy new apartment, her lucrative career as a lawyer, to go marry the most average man who works at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. It makes absolutely no sense, but neither does spending three hours in the Deece.
The Deece and I are now in an all-out fight for my time. I punch, it punches, we brawl. While I wish I could say I would win, I’ll probably be there again tomorrow morning to lose time and eat yogurt.