Are we back? Are we goated? Is it over? Are we washed? We are constantly asking ourselves these questions; it’s the human condition. But it is also the NFL condition, especially in an era where quarterbacks (QBs) are being paid more than ever and expected to do more than ever. But when eight to 10 quarterbacks are being paid elite money, it is inevitable that a few of them disappoint. We are now three weeks into the 2024 NFL season, and quarterback play has been by and large disappointing. But how is a fan to know which signal-callers are just having a slow start and who truly should be traded to the Toronto Argonauts for a bag of chips? The Washed-o-Meter (WoM) is a proprietary, entirely objective one to 10 rating system designed to deliver accurate assessments of a QB’s bustedness in one paragraph or less. A ‘one’ implies that the QB is not at all washed, and a ‘10’ means they are the sock perpetually stuck spinning in the Jewett basement laundry. Each rating also comes with a recommendation for the front office because I am confident they are hanging onto every word.
The WoM resides entirely in the writer’s mind, but the writer assures the audience that it is sound. This week, I have chosen six QBs to run through the Washed-o-Meter, chosen both because I think they are interesting cases and because I think they will incite controversy. My goal, as always, is to make you mad.
Deshaun Watson, Cleveland Browns: Watson is sort of the control signal of the Washed-o-Meter because we all know he should be out of the league by now. Watson has a regular season QB rating of 71.4 this year, a rating largely anchored by his terrible performance against Dallas in Week 1 but broadly representative of a general decline in his play that has continued since he arrived in Cleveland. When discussing Watson’s play, sports writers often refer obliquely to his “off-the-field problems,” which is a nice euphemism for the raft of sexual assault claims that Watson has variously settled and denied. To me, such “problems” are front and center as to why he has failed with the Browns. He has destroyed what little existed of Cleveland’s culture, he has lost them many more games than he has won and he has destroyed their cap space, the limit to how much a team can spend on players annually. Cleveland’s front office has been instrumental in creating this destruction—it takes two to tango—but they would do well to end the experiment and begin the process of rebuilding their team,and their goodwill,bit by bit. Meter Rating: 10/10. Recommendation: Send him straight to hell—I am sure the devil will give up a first-round draft pick.
Joe Burrow, Cincinnati Bengals: The Bengals have entered their “retooling phase,” an optimistic term that, in reality, means “slowly getting worse until you are a perennial seven-to-nine wins, first-round-exit franchise.” The Bengals have “retooled” quite effectively, becoming a perfectly mid team at 9-8 in 2023. They don’t seem to be planning to change anything in 2024, starting with three losses and more proof, especially after their Monday Night Football bout with the Washington Commanders, that even when Burrow plays well, he does not play winning football. A large portion of the Bengal’s troubles is undoubtedly Burrow’s very large contract, which has required the team to let go of key players to get under the cap. It is the story of every team with a franchise quarterback, but this backslide can be mitigated by outstanding quarterback play. The trouble is that Burrow has not been an outstanding quarterback. His college career and previous seasons of good play, coupled with the low expectations that Cincinnati developed for themselves over the last 30 years, have disguised more than a season of bad play and inconsistent appearances. Burrow’s defenders will argue that his subpar play is due to injury; I say that part of a QB’s job is to avoid season-ending sacks. They will also say that Burrow “starts slow;” I say that this is not baseball, and in the NFL, you can’t slack off for four games without significantly reducing your team’s chances of making the playoffs. There is no doubt that Burrow was, during a few of his early years in the league, a competent and elevating quarterback. But that was on a rookie payscale, and now that Joe Burrow has been paid, he has not been performing.
The Bengals are in a strange position right now because although they have signed Burrow to a gigantic five-year deal, and it does not look like it’s working out for them, there is still a lot of positive energy around Joe Brrr and trading him would be unprecedented. But the facts are that Burrow is no longer that guy, and the Bengals would do well to move on. Meter Rating: 7/10. Recommendation: Use Burrow’s residual goodwill to extract two firsts from a desperate team.
Trevor Lawrence, Jacksonville Jaguars: Much has been made of the massive QB contract extensions signed this past offseason. I, for one, think the practice amounts to general management malpractice, and I am not in love with any of the major contracts signed this past offseason (besides Baker Mayfield’s). However, I also understand what is going on here. These bad contracts are signed because franchises believe these guys have potential. Often, this potential is stymied, usually by injury but also by bad team composition—“if we had only signed Tyreek during Tua’s first year!”—and a general feeling that things will get better as long as they keep their QB locked down.
I understand this dilemma, even though I think most teams are overly sentimental about their QB situation. I do not understand how the Jacksonville Jaguars feel this way about Lawrence. His best season ended in a mediocre record, and his 2023 season represented a backslide in production which should have alerted Jacksonville to the folly of awarding him a giant contract. Through three weeks of 2024, he has continued the trend of mediocrity. If you are paying your franchise quarterback like he is Patrick Mahomes when he is actually playing like Gardner Minshew, you have an intractable problem in your roster that you need to solve. The Jaguar’s commitment to Lawrence is inexplicable, and now that his performance-to-cost ratio is horrific, the front office has no hope of even flipping him for a reasonable pick. Meter Rating: 8/10. Recommendation: Hope to God that some team is high on Lawrence and willing to pay a fourth. Otherwise, cut him, eat the cap and start again.
Jalen Hurts, Philadelphia Eagles: I was high on Hurts in 2022, and not just because I made a costly trade for him in Fantasy Football. Hurts’ rushing potential combined with his and Jason Kelce’s synergy made him a huge threat, even though he suffered from a nagging case of fumblitis, including a costly fumble-six in Super Bowl LVII. Fast forward to the back half of 2023, though, and the Eagles collapse in spectacular fashion, thanks in no small part to disappointing quarterback play from Hurts. At his best, Hurts was a guy who could win you games; now, at a nadir in his recent career, it feels like sometimes he is doing more harm than good. The Eagles’ Super Bowl window seems to have snapped shut, and it is clear now that Hurts may have been carried by a strong team with a unique style that has, by now, been figured out.
That is not to say that Hurts is not a good quarterback; he certainly is serviceable, perhaps an even better-than-average signal-caller. But again, when you are paying a guy elite quarterback money, he cannot have more interceptions than touchdowns, and he certainly cannot be relying on a tush push to pad his stats. If Hurts wants to live out the rest of his years in Philadelphia, he will need to grow as a player and introduce more tricks into the toolbag. Whether he can do that remains to be seen. Meter Rating: 4/10. Recommendation: Keep him in Philly for a few more years. If he can regain his magic, great! If he declines, position yourself well in the draft.
Tua Tagovailoa, Miami Dolphins: Look, I get it. I really do. Tagovailoa is an exciting player backed by a great coach and some great offensive weapons. It is fun to watch him play, especially when he is playing well—which is often, but not always. I even loved his bizarre judo arc. I was rooting for him to win out against his medical issues and be the player that he is at his best. But Tagovailoa has only played one full season with the Miami Dolphins, and that play, though it was often impressive, does not offset the fact that he usually spends at least a quarter of the season in concussion protocol. Now, with his contract set and another concussion threatening his life after football, I feel like there is no better time for Tagovailoa to step down from the game. It is not satisfying, it is not good for football, and it is certainly not good for the Dolphins. But, at this point, there is no telling if Tagovailoa would come back the player he is after yet another brutal concussion. It is time to stop chasing the ghost. Meter Rating: 5/10. Recommendation: Start looking in the draft for a player with less of a concussion history.
Daniel Jones, New York Giants: Jones is the only quarterback I have ever seen who consistently looks confused holding a football. Why the Giants paid him that idiotic 40 million per-year contract is beyond me; more than his bad play, his work as a starter is simply uninspiring. He is the Eeyore of the National Football League: constantly moping, getting sacked and frowning at the cameras. His play this season has not been good, but in the depressed, defensive-dominant era we live in, it has actually been exactly average for signal-callers in the League (Going into Week 5, Jones has the 16th best Quarterback Rating among starters). But that is not a defense of Jones’ play; it is a bemoaning of all the bad quarterbacking that is plaguing the modern NFL. Meter Rating: 6/10. Recommendation: Trade him to the Toronto Argonauts for cash considerations and give Danny Dimes the all-star career he has always dreamed of.