Aries
Did you ever do a Jump Rope for Heart competition as a kid? The stars think that would be good for you this week. Just find a friend and have them count how many jumps you can do, maybe also donate money to heart stuff and learn how to Double Dutch. You would really like it, just, you know, watch your ankles.
Taurus
You should be wary of bridges this week. Don’t worry, you’re not going to fall off one or anything. Just something hinky could be going on. Maybe you’ll run into a professor in tight athletic gear on a bridge, it would be really awkward and you wouldn’t know if you should say hi or not. Nobody wants that.
Gemini
Opening a pomegranate would be the best way for you to relax this week. They’re in season, so just locate one and buckle in. Gently caress the seeds away from the skin; let the seeds plop all over the place. You’re gonna stain your clothes, so you might as well do it naked. Yeah, seed a pomegranate naked this week, it couldn’t hurt.
Cancer
Do you ever just talk so much that even you wonder when you’re going to stop talking? Probably everyone else thinks that about you too. Everyone actually probably hates you and wants you to shut up. Or maybe you just need to eat a sandwich. Not ham though, turkey. Ham would be really awful for you right now.
Leo
Feeling like the grass is always greener on the other side? Well, what they won’t tell you is that that grass is actually spray painted, like in that episode of “Glee” with Finn and the grass spray painting guy. I guess sometimes the other side is just a facade. Maybe you should get your own sexy grass spray painting guy and stop worrying about everyone else.
Virgo
Getting in arguments with strangers on Threads might feel really good in the moment, but maybe that’s not a good form of self-care. Because then you would be spending time on Threads. Maybe you should try writing letters to people you hate and burning them. It would be good to practice your handwriting and to avoid being on Threads.
Libra
Setting boundaries is critical in maintaining your close relationships. You need to stop letting people take gum from you every time you pull a piece out. It’s not fair that nobody seems to want gum, until you want gum and then they steal YOUR gum. Next time somebody asks, the best course of action would be loud barking until they get the hint. You deserve all your gum.
Scorpio
Getting all your homework done feels SO good, but you know what feels even better? Playing “The Sims 4” for two hours in the library. You should definitely play “The Sims 4” for two hours in the library this week. Everyone will think that you’re working, but you’re actually just playing “The Sims 4” for two hours in the library.
Sagittarius
Sagittarius season is nearly here. You should make a really big deal out of your birthday this year. This week is the time to start planting seeds. Also, no matter what people do to celebrate you, you can pout about it a little bit. You deserve to be a drama queen. Also, ask someone to make you an ice cream cake, that would be yum.
Capricorn
The weather plays such fun games this time of year. Maybe it’s fall, maybe it’s not—who knows?! You should play some fun games of your own. Gaslight all your friends into believing that you’re related to Jennifer Aniston, tell the local priest that the Virgin Mary came to you in an apparition, whatever!
Aquarius
Struggling to keep your room clean? We’ve all been there. One good option is just putting all the crap on the floor into the Jewett elevator and running away. Surely, someone on all those nine floors will want the things you can’t be bothered to put away. Just make sure nobody sees you. It’ll feel so good.
Pisces
Sometimes, we accidentally hurt people close to us. The important thing is that we apologize and make amends. You should make an effort to apologize to someone this week in a way that they’ll never forget. Consider flashing an apology in Morse code through their window or singing them a song at five in the morning like the a cappella groups do for their Valentine grams.