Aries
Hobbies feeling a little stale? This week, kickstart your career as a libertarian DJ. Create a fire mixtape decrying the regulatory state and demanding freedom from government interference, and send it unsolicited to record companies and all of your friends. They’ll appreciate it, I promise.
Taurus
Freshen up your vocabulary this week! How long has it been since you’ve used a veritable, honest-to-god SAT word? You know, the kind they use to torment children in the cruel, barbaric Scripps National Spelling Bee, America’s very own answer to bullfighting and other blood sports? Integrate some of these into your everyday speech, starting with “verisimilitude,” “étouffée” and “becquerel.”
Gemini
On the off chance that you’re attending some kind of Thanksgiving preview event this week, don’t let the chance to carve the turkey pass you by. If the opportunity arises, seize the carving knife with both hands, then let go of it with one of the hands so you can also seize the carving fork. Your destiny awaits.
Cancer
This week, act like a grub. Embed yourself in rotting logs, feast on the detritus of the forest, and molt repeatedly before you ultimately achieve your final form as one of the nearly 350,000 species of beetle found worldwide. Did you know there were that many kinds of beetle? I certainly didn’t. Better hope you get one of the good ones.
Leo
Online shopping holds great perils for you this week. Empty your cart; unbookmark those pants. Too hard? Need an alternative? Try scrounging, a skill which young people today sorely lack. Don’t be one of them.
Virgo
This week, ask not for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee. Because you are late for class. Get up.
Libra
Ever heard of Fungusball? No? What about Waterfall Hockey? Okay, fine, I just made those up right now. However, don’t let that stop you from spending this week getting weirdly into an obscure sport and bothering all your friends by talking about it nonstop. Act fast, because the Slovenian Boat-Tennis season kicks off next Tuesday.
Scorpio
This week, you may find valuable new friends in unexpected places. To facilitate this, do your best to start conversations with strangers, even if it feels unnatural. Ask that guy who keeps picking his nose at the library how his weekend was and whether he’s found anything in there today! Tell the pigeon that somehow got into your room about all of your classes! Don’t you know that friendships formed in college last the rest of your life?
Sagittarius
It brings me no pleasure to inform you that digestional problems are in store for you this week. Really, no pleasure at all. Is it funny? Okay, yes, a little, but it’s still not bringing me any pleasure. I don’t have any say in this. I just write what the stars tell me, and in this case, all they’re telling me is “IBS.” Sorry.
Capricorn
This week, find a body of water—doesn’t have to be too big, anything above 45 hoppus feet should do—and go swimming! Glub glub glub glub. What? You’re still here? Not clear enough for you? Want more info? Sorry, no can do. Glub glub.
Aquarius
This week, be a nuisance. Reserve a room and kick everyone out of it, not because you’re having a meeting or anything, but just for fun. Do your French presentation in Spanish. Leave chaos in your wake.
Pisces
Worried about falling short of your ambitions this week? Just stop having them! Aspire to nothing! Yearn for nothing! From dust we came, and to dust we shall return. So what’s the big deal?