“WE WANT THIS! WE WANT THIS!” Over 400 students raised their collective voices in support of the latest mass protest on campus. Set up awkwardly close to the Retreat’s sushi line, the crowd chanted impassioned, albeit vague, words.
This outbreak was the fourth in a series of increasingly confusing protests immediately following that of the wage gap, chronologically including the topics “NO MORE TURKEY BACON,” “SOME PAINTINGS ARE BAD” and most recently, “BOATS?!”
The crowd roared: “WHAT DO WE WANT?” “YEAH!” “WHEN DO WE WANT IT?” “YEAH!” While their spirit was bold, their message was less so, many of our reporters being unable to distinguish any particular direction within the movement.
When asked about the protest’s intent, participants adamantly responded, “What?” “Not sure!” and “Who cares?!” One excited individual exclaimed:
“We are a movement, and you can’t stop us from reaching our goals!” Another protester quickly joined in, remarking, “Yeah! You can’t touch our coals, bitch!”
At one point the chant “It is our RIGHT to FIGHT!” broke out, stirring the crowd into a frantic cacophony. However, this jeer eventually broke off into various poorly rhymed offshoots, including “it is our NIGHT to KITE!” and “it is our PIE to PIE!”
After hours of searching through a sea of braceleted wrists and bad hairdos, one field reporter managed to find what seemed to be the gathering’s organizer: a shaken, bucket hat-wearing first year sitting cross-legged on trampled grass. When asked what his intentions were in administering such a protest, he replied, “Protest? I just posted on Fizz that there was a Barbie-themed TH party here. I don’t know why anyone believed me, there aren’t any THs in Main. Then someone just started yelling random words and people joined in.”
Vassar College Instagram posted: “We are so proud of our students for joining together to preach what they believe in! We’re not sure what exactly that is, but slay anyway! #couplegoals #harlemshake.”