A MESSAGE FROM DIRTS BENTLEY, VASSAR GROUNDS FOREMAN
We’ve recently been told by the College that we need to discuss some complaints about lawn mowing and large vehicles moving through campus early in the morning. Apparently the epic sounds of grounds management are not welcome here. In this message, I’m hoping to address student complaints, reveal our new weekly schedule and not apologize for any of it.
Mondays
The rumors are true. The “bomb-like” sounds that you have been hearing on the residential quad at 7 a.m. are from experiments we’ve been conducting with subterranean explosives. We’re hoping we can use these devices to forcibly eject weeds out of the ground. Tests have been mixed so far, but on a positive note, only one class tree has fallen because of us. On a similar note, we’ve also been experimenting with unmanned aerial vehicles for terminating undesirable plants—drone strikes, if you will. Those weeds won’t know what hit them! Where are we getting all of these high-tech additions from? Well, Vassar’s ties to the U.S. military have been somewhat understated in recent years.
Tuesdays
Heavy machinery sounds you’ve been hearing on the south side of campus are from a project on the Chapel lawn that we are calling the academic quad two, except without all of the sciency stuff. To match the topography of the academic quad, we are planning on digging a crater and then planting a bunch of random stuff over it. This project has required large, high powered drilling machinery. Just like the academic quad, it’ll look really good in summer and fall, and then consistently depressing in the winter. Hey, maybe you can ski down into it.
Wednesdays
We would like to address complaints that students were hearing Drake’s “6 god” blasting outside of Strong and Lathrop. That was in fact us as well. Champagne Papi has become a vital part of our Wednesday routine, something we are calling “Drake Wednesday.” We do not plan on making any changes to Drake Wednesday. Blasting Drake’s music has increased our morning productivity by 80 percent. We won’t apologize for doing those kinds of numbers. Drake never has.
Now we’ve also gotten student complaints (is that all you guys do?) about certain ads blasting in between Drake tracks. This is because none of us have Spotify Premium and the College won’t cover it for us. If someone would let us borrow their account, that would be really helpful.
A lot of you have also been asking why all of the ads happened to be for Mike Pence’s presidential campaign. That can be explained quite easily. Mike Pence, our former vice president, is running for president. He runs ads on the internet. Vassar Grounds may or may not be endorsing a certain presidential candidate. We are leaning far more towards one of those possibilities.
Thursdays
Going around watering all of these planters around campus is brutally time-consuming, so we’ve been installing high pressure water cannons on the quad and on the library lawn. These cannons will be able to shoot a precise stream of water all the way from Jewett to New Hackensack. As you can imagine, these will be very loud (big surprise). For our design we looked heavily towards nature, so these water cannons will vaguely resemble a Blastoise. Again, a huge thank you goes out to the U.S. military.
Fridays
In the Bible, the last day of creation was a day of rest and that’s a concept we value quite a bit at Vassar Grounds. Unlike the Bible though, we’re still gonna be working and it’s still gonna be really loud outside. In celebration of another successful work week, we will be setting off fireworks at 8 a.m.. Also, we must note that these are daytime fireworks, so they will be brighter and much louder than traditional fireworks. For the rest of the morning, we will be DEMOLISHING those dorm lawns with mowing.
That’s all for the update. Good luck with the rest of the school year, Vassar students! Invest in some ear plugs. You’re gonna need them.