The Miscellany News

Two weeks ago, I debuted my fantasy football expertise with style and confidence. Given a full page of Vassar’s oldest student paper of record, I carefully curated detailed explanations for the players that I believed would be the 20 best players in this season’s iteration of fantasy football. Generous as ever and aware that a fantasy football draft goes much deeper than 20 players, I provided an additional 30 rankings. The headline read: “Student provides 2023-24 fantasy football guide to success.” 

The production of it all was convincing. I imagine anyone who read the article thought to themselves: “Whoever this ‘student’ is, they really must know a lot about this stuff. I should trust them.” I say this with confidence because, well, even I believed in myself. I crunched the numbers, immersed myself in hours of film and participated in countless mock drafts. I thought I had it all down to a science, so I confidently stuck to my research when it came time for me to select my two teams.

After a week of NFL competition (two weeks, by the time you have read this), I return to The Miscellany News sport section humbled, reminded that the game I tried to make sense of never really will. 

Yes, I am writing to you all to clear up the rumors that you have likely heard. Yes, I, Billy Fan, The Miscellany News’ resident “fantasy football expert,” lost both of my Week One fantasy games.

In my league with my high school classmates, I lost 121.66 to 112.66. In my league with some Vassar friends, I failed to eclipse 100 points, posting 95.16 while my opponent scored 102.46. 

Now, how did someone who once seemed as qualified as I suffer a pair of shameful defeats? Well, the answer starts with my quarterback and running back situation.  

As we all know, the Dallas Cowboys historically humiliated the New York Giants on Sunday. In a 40-0 blowout, the Giants were so bad, they set some mind-boggling records. No team has ever lost 40-0 or worse, lost the sack battle 7-0 or worse, lost the turnover battle by 3-0 or more, or had a blocked field goal returned for a touchdown or thrown a pick-6 in the same season. The Giants did it all in one game. Luckily for me, I started the heart of the Giants’ offense: quarterback Daniel Jones and running back Saquon Barkley. They entered the matchup predicted to score 17 points and 14 points, respectively. Instead, they produced 6 points and 8 points.

Earlier in the day, the Cincinnati Bengals’ offense seemed to never get off the bus, leading to an upset loss and a disastrous fantasy performance from all Cincinnati skill players. Wide receiver Tee Higgins seemed to intentionally mock me for selecting him in the third round by putting up a goose egg—exactly 0.0 points. Tyler Boyd, another Cincinnati receiver who made me feel foolish for believing in him, was not much better, contributing a whopping two points.  

Undoubtedly, my team left points on the board. We plainly did not play to our potential, which leads me to what might have been the most painful part of Week One.  My opponents did not do anything special. Their players just played to their projections, while mine failed to step up. Some weeks, you just have to tip your cap to your opponent because their running back decided to score three touchdowns. This was not that week. The game was there to be won, even with the Cowboys’ defensive explosion.

This past week humbled me. But as legendary football coach George Allen said: “Football isn’t necessarily won by the best players. It’s won by the team with the best attitude.” I have not given up on my guys, so they sure as heck are not going to give up on me. Maybe if I am unable to provide analysis that survives the test of time, I wi’ll at least be able to provide some good vibes. Onto the next week!