Should I skip class? Profs say yes
A study by Fictional State University (FSU) shed light on a question that plagues all students: Should I be skipping class? Professors chanted horrifically, “Sure, who cares? They’re the ones…
Humor & Satire
Mueller report: Where are our crazy kids now?
On March 22, Robert Mueller turned in his report to the Attorney General and did not suggest any additional indictments. When the dust has settled, I checked in with some…
Apple gods saved us with AirPods
We’ve seen at least one Vassar student walking around campus with them, and whether we want to or not, we can’t help but stare. One of the newest Hunger Games…
Slaughter started April Fools’ but isn’t needed nowadays
Once again, we find ourselves at a time of year when everyone obsesses for weeks on end over a single day and spends loads and loads of money on extravaganc-…
D.C. trip results in horrific New Jersey turnpike experience
Most people go somewhere tropical or exotic for spring break—and then there’s me. I had my Washington, D.C. virginity taken by visiting our proud capital for the literal first time…
Horoscopes
Aires My family got a new puppy! However, all dinner conversation consists of the looks of her poops and how often she’s peed. When you run out of conversations this…
Baldwin diagnoses all Vassar students as terminally ill
Vassar College has recently announced that it will tragically close its doors for good after Baldwin Health Services reported that the majority of students on campus seem to be terminally…
Room inspections for stolen furniture lead to squabble
It’s fairly common for things to go missing in shared spaces. The “VC Lost and Found” page frequently reunites losers with their found objects, but not everything that disappears gets…
Deece booth hermit survives despite horrible selfie light
It took several rounds of explanation and several cups of suspiciously watery tea before my friends understood what I was doing at the Deece. “You’re trying to tell us,” they…
Crikey! Gordon ‘Ramslay’ derides Gordon Commons
Disclaimer: Please read this article in a British accent, specifically in the aforementioned celebrity chef ’s voice for full enjoyment. Also please don’t be offended by Mr. Ramslay. He’s just…