Wannabe grad shares future plans
Even though I still have three years left in college, I have a bunch of plans after graduation. First, I’m going to drop acid, snort heroin and drink crack because…
Humor & Satire
This isn’t an article about finals
As the headline for this article suggests, this is not a 700- to 800-word article about finals. It will not mention the massive workloads, nor the panic associated with waking…
Horoscopes– 5/10
Aries The stars tell me one of your family members is coming to help you pack. Remember to take the flogger down from its place of honor above your bed…
Chronic weakling transforms into magnificent MMA god
I have many admirable qualities, but I can’t count athleticism among them. My ventures into organized sports consisted of a brief stint on my fourth-grade basketball team and an utterly…
I promise I thought of a profound, world-changing article
With exams looming in the near future and the school year coming to a close, everything for everyone is fine. It’s FINE. Everything is perfect, there’s nothing wrong, we’re all…
Horoscopes– 5/2
Aries You may be feeling the need to kiss a frog this week. That’s totally normal! You will have a marvelous adventure with your one true love, eventually attaining your…
Some nice advice from the Mice of Main
Dear Mice of Main, How do I have an orgy outside? I want to get in at least 15 minutes of vitamin D a day, but I’m unsure about the…
Horoscopes– 4/25
Aries You may be feeling guilty about your environmental waste after enjoying the Earth Day festivities. So instead of buying that fresh hat you’ve been lusting after, make one out…
Music department to begin offering course on screaming
Taught by Adjunct Professor of the Music Department Jerry Hopkins, MUSI 63b.: The Scream will be offered in Fall 2018. This course is not to be confused with ART 363:…
Prospective student stuns all, parades as coffee bean
With May 1 rapidly approaching, another cycle of the ceaseless pageantry and competition that is the college admissions process draws to a close. Admitted applicants now enter the stage of…