Weary traveler faces security labyrinth of mythical proportions
For students from the greater New York metropolitan area, returning home for October break may mean a simple train or car ride. Same goes for students from Boston, Philadelphia, Newark…
Humor & Satire
Horoscopes
Aries Do you want to know the worst part of my life right now? When I cough, blood shoots out of my uterus. However, it is also a unique feeling…
Guilt-tripper uses family weekend to obtain room decor
Vassar All Families Weekend just wrapped up, and I must say that it was a resounding success! I mean, Vassar really nailed the two core concepts of this past weekend.…
Distraught moth writes breakup letter to lover lamp who stopped shining
My dear beloved, First things first, I’m never going to send this to you. This is for my personal use only, to get out all the feelings of hurt and…
Student forced off bed following ‘Blob of Hair’ invasion
It seemed like a trick of the light at first— something my 4 a.m. brain would concoct after a fitful night of sleep, interrupted this time by the need to…
Horoscopes
Aries The future is bleak. However, there is one ray of light shining upon you. Make sure to apply sunscreen because you don’t want to get burnt, develop skin cancer…
Horoscopes 9/27
Aries Perhaps you feel that you are coming down with a cold. I swear all of my friends have the Black Death. If you contract it as well, you’ll have…
Deece-ent advice from some halfway Deece-ent students
Dear Deece-ent, The card reader for the laundry room stopped working, but I had to do my laundry immediately since I had already worn all my underwear twice (once the…
After questioning side bangs, sophomore embraces new emo identity
“What kind of music do you like?” they ask. “Have you heard the new Kanye collab?” they inquire. I don’t know what to tell them. They won’t understand. I exclusively…
Stressed student decides to declare all majors at Vassar
For some, picking a major is as simple as telling everyone they’re pre-med all the time. For others, it’s an edifying journey filled with self-discovery and joy. For sophomore Eddie…