After witnessing brawl, Black Friday shopper persists, buying dinosaur planter
You want to know a stressful time? I’ll Target. Target, a once bustling paradise of but I spent an hour in the store’s clutches. I cashier said that they liked…
Humor & Satire
Americans fight for right to commit vehicular homicide
Last Friday, a large crowd of angry, white protesters assembled outside the steps of the U.S. District Court in Washington, D.C., as part of an ongoing nationwide movement to change…
Horoscopes
Aries Reading autobiographies is a lot like watching YouTubers. Typically I’m bored with my own life, so I watch other people shove pie in their best friend’s face. While it’s…
Mystery of vulva-arranged furniture solved, but ghost persists
An ancient and storied institution such as Vassar inevitably entices a variety of spirits still lingering in certain corners of its campus. None is quite as disruptive as the spirit…
Collection of serious poems continued: Literary analysis still required
A poem on the laws of aviation: Is this joke overused? According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its…
Sleepy student joins all clubs, regrets inability to say no
College: a time for exploration, a time to go out and try new things and sign up for activities you’ve never thought of doing before, a time to feel like…
Horoscopes
Aries Have you been bored with academic readings? Perhaps there are “Twilight” fanfics in which Bella is on her period and Edward drinks the blood. Sounds sexy, right? Please look…
Christmas worshipper’s holiday spirit leads to broken femur
Christmas: the season for which Jesus is the source of its creation. Beginning as soon as August ends and continuing until the following July, Christmas captures the hearts, minds and…
Student divulges 11 ways to assert dominance in Deece
In light of the recent “name change” of the formerly-known-as All Campus Dining Center, I feel like it has become necessary to spread wisdom on how to maintain control in…
Horoscopes
Aries Do you ever promise that you’re going to go to breakfast with someone and then “accidentally” sleep through your alarm? If you haven’t, I totally recommend. It’s a great…