A plea to Kim Kardashian: expose these ‘celebrities’

On July 17, 2017 (otherwise known as my own personal Christmas), Kim Kardashian exposed Taylor Swift via SnapChat. In an act of pure justice, Kardashian released a recording of a phone call between her husband, Kanye West, and Swift which ultimately refuted Swift’s claim that she never signed off on West’s song “Famous”–specifically, a lyric where West asserts that he and Taylor might “still” engage in sexual intercourse despite their long-standing feud.

As a critic of Taylor Swift and a Kim K apologist, I was ecstatic. Shortly before releasing the phone call on SnapChat, Kim tweeted, “Wait it’s legit National Snake Day?!?!? They have holidays for everybody, I mean everything these days!,” followed by 37 snake emojis. Amazing. I still look back on that tweet when I’m feeling down and out.

I stayed up literally (literally) all night scrolling through my Twitter feed, eager to consume more Kim/Taylor content. As a product of a household where father/son bonding constituted watching E! True Hollywood Stories and Access Hollywood, I began to envision a world where even more of my least favorite celebrities got exposed for being very bad. In the spirit of July 17, I compiled an extensive list of celebrities I want Kim to expose next. Here are just a few:

1. Chris Martin of Coldplay
My dude, all of your songs sound exactly the same and you came off as kind of smug in this interview I watched once.

2. Jesse Ventura
Nobody in the WWE Hall of Fame should be allowed to be governor of anything, never mind the great state of Minnesota. (As a side note, Ventura co-starred in the 1987 film Predator with Arnold Schwarzenegger. That’s right, TWO future governors were in this movie. That’s fucking dumb.)

3. Vince Vaughn
I have seen nearly every movie you’ve ever been in. Your presence has never once made me laugh, or even smile. How do you keep getting roles? Literally, how? Also, you’re a literal libertarian and backed BOTH PAULS in the last three presidential elections.

4. Whoever was Dumbledore in films 3-8
In the books, Dumbledore was a kind, gentle sage who guided Harry and his pals through the tumults of adolescence (while also helping them defeat evil and inspiring queer kids for generations to come). Why the fuck was this dude cast? Dumbledore’s textually placid, collected behavior somehow translates to a old curmudgeon prone to intense bouts of anger. Who could forget the infamous, “DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIRE?!” My guy, the plot’s major crisis is still, like, an hour and a half away from being revealed. Why are you so angry? What’s with the histrionics? Did you even read the books? OH WAIT YOU DIDN’T! The Telegraph reported in Sept. 2009 that you NEVER READ THE DAMN BOOKS. “If you are an actor all you have is the script you are given. If you read the book you might get disappointed about what’s been left out,” you said. This has been well-documented in the Harry Potter fandom, of course. But someone with the platform of Kim K could bring this travesty to light.

5. Carrie Underwood
I actually really like you, Carrie Underwood. “Before He Cheats” is one of the great anthems of our time. But your talents were simply not suited for “The Sound of Music.” I really wanted to like it. I did. But I didn’t. And, for that, I cannot forgive you.

6. The former cast of “Dog with a Blog”
Okay, I’ll admit, I did kind of enjoy this show. But why did it have to exist? If you actually watch the show, Stan’s (the eponymous dog with a blog) blog is pretty much a non-factor. It’s pretty much a normal kid-friendly family sitcom. The central conceit of the program is relegated to throwaway references and, occasionally, an arc or two. What gives?

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