Vassar squirrels prove as trashy as all Founder’s Days

This year we’ve survived our share of Vassar epidemics. Remember when you couldn’t walk through the center TA path to get to the AFC? Or when paper mache German poems covered our horizontal-branch tree (well I guess that’s still happening). Or when there are a dry spell of no macaroni and cheese at the Deece? (Oh wait maybe that’s every day ever).

But springtime is bringing a new wave of an out-of-control situation. This time it’s coming in the form of furry gravity defiers who are getting “wasted.” They’ve spent the winter having hibernation parties with womp womps and ensuring (by burying nuts in hard to find places) some new trees should be coming our way. Who are these hooligans?

That’s right, you’ve guessed it. Vassar has an English majors problem (aka squirrels)!

You may have heard, the reason Vassar squirrels are prone to weird behavior is because they are the souls of English majors who, after graduating, come back to haunt the campus. This of course makes total sense since the Vassar squirrels are out of control! Did you know they even have their own Instagram account?

Further evidence supports this theory. The only explanation for the squirrels excitement over the garbage is that they are already hooked after eating four years of Deece food.

This trash tendency should be of utmost concern to the wider Vassar community. Squirrel Neurotic Obsession Over Waste, or SNOOW for short, is dangerous for both fauna and homosapien! I have been unfortunate, a few too many times to admit, to find a squirrel hurling itself out of a trash can only a few inches from my face. And no, before you make a joke about my how face was in the trash, I was doing some research and *going to the source*.

As for the pint-sized dumpster divers, they have shown some affinity to the open-top trash cans. You know that ones I’m talking about. The metal slotted eye sores that for some reason are called trash cans. These poor excuses for waste receptacles are truly unflattering and almost always surrounded by a radius of litter.

This is especially true at the dorms (at Joss). Most of the trash is not even in the can, it’s on the ground. You’ve got the normal things like straws, red solo cups and spoons. But then it gets weird. Just this week I found a cup full of some homemade brewed tea with fresh leaves and berries. Was this for an ecology class or is this actually a pastime? The next day I found a perfectly nice pair of boots size 8.5. At this rate we are going to have the classiest tea-drinking, best-dressed squirrels on this side of the Mississippi!

The squirrels have been keen to point out to us just how ridiculous our trash cans are. Who needs a nest in a tree when you can take an easy skip and hop into a trash can. It’s ten times cozier: just lay back on a warm pile of Nilda’s cookie crumbs, slurp the dregs of someone’s kiosk smoothie and chew on a tiki umbrella.

**ANNOUNCEMENT** I interrupt this humor article for a legitimate call to action. Can we have better trash cans? (at NewlyElectedVSAExecutiveBoard) Like ones that have covers? And more of them? And outdoor recycling? And a better composting situation? And while we’re at it, maybe a womp womp sanctuary? Not that last one? Ok.

In thinking about the vast skill set of our puffier-tailed-rat comrades, I think it is safe to assume most strange situations from this school year can be attributed to them. Remember all of those stolen bicycles? Only teeth of steel could have chomped through your non-existant bike lock. Or how about the closing of the West side of the Deece? I’m telling you, early in the morning you can look through the window to see the Vassar squirrels building cup towers out of all the plastic Deece cups. Can you believe it, all of these Vassar mysteries, and only one (more like 50,000) culprit(s)!

I implore you, fellow Vassar students, to tip your hat to the next squirrel you see. Congratulate them on their cunning abilities. If you ask nicely enough, you may even get them to peer-review your next paper.

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