It’s springtime again, and love is in the air. And the water. That’s why we at The Miscellany News consulted all the relevant experts and collected five of the hottest dating tips for all you single salmon, lonesome lampreys and cichlids craving companionship out there.
#1: Don’t act the clownfish around a potential match
According to numerous experts, one of the biggest turn-offs for a potential fishy love interest is immature behavior such as blowing bubbles, unnecessary fin-flapping and other forms of silliness. Dr. Cornwall B. Eelfucker, author of “The Pleasurable Fish: A Beginner’s Guide to Navigating Connection, Sex and Intimacy With Your Aquatic Companion,” believes that most fish in the proverbial and literal dating pool are looking for a more mature finny friend to settle down with, and fry-like antics just won’t fly.
#2: The remora the merrier
Nobody likes a date who shows up dirty and ill-kempt, and fish are no exception. According to Dr. Cornwall B. Eelfucker, leading light in the burgeoning field of marine sexology, making a trip to a cleaner-fish like a remora beforehand could make a world of difference. “Personal hygiene is everything, and that doesn’t change once you go beneath the waves,” Dr. Eelfucker says. “Before your next trip to the sandbar, get cleaned up. It’ll make a bigger difference than you expect.”
#3: Don’t be afraid to shell out
Going on a date can be a nervous experience, and many fish are reluctant to splash the cash on a relationship that may not go beyond the first date. However, according to Dr. Cornwall B. Eelfucker, who has spent thousands of dollars on fish-related Amazon purchases, nobody likes a cheapskate. “Keeping the purse strings tied tight on a first date is a signal to potential matches that you’re not ready to commit to a serious relationship,” Dr. Eelfucker claims. “Show your dates that you mean business by spending a few sand dollars on your first night out. Spoil them, or I will.”
#4: Nobody likes a largemouth bass
We all overshare at times, but according to Dr. Cornwall B. Eelfucker, against whom all swordfish somehow have a restraining order, this impulse may scupper your chances of landing a second date with the bream of your dreams. “There’s nothing less attractive than a fish who blabs on about themself for the entire date without asking you anything about yourself,” he says. “I would never do such a thing. I would gaze deeply into your beautiful eyes and fulfill your wettest, wildest fantasies. Please message me on Fishtian Mingle, because I’ve fallen for you hook, line and sinker.”
#5: Call Cornwall B. Eelfucker at 871-800-****
This information has been deemed unsafe for our readers. Please contact the editors at misc@vassar.edu for more information.
