Poughkeepsie, NY
At a grand opening today, Vassar unveiled the new “Meece Cafe” at the former location of the Palmer Art Gallery, putting an end to the appalling lack of cafeterias on Main Building’s first floor. The Meece (Main Deece) is the first cafeteria of its kind to open in Main, soon to be followed by the Detreat, Rexpress and 32 other cafeterias over the next two years.
Sophomore Dennis Milburn put it perfectly: “How is anyone supposed to go without starving as they cross through Main? I can feel my stomach going from full to famished in the ninety seconds it takes to get from one door to the other.”
Another student commented on the geographical convenience of the Meece within Vassar’s campus: “At the Meece, I get all of the luxurious benefits of Retreat, but I don’t have to go near the dreaded southern half of campus. I get chills just thinking about The Bridge and the Shakespeare Garden.”
Each new, state-of-the-art cafe opens at a random hour between 10 AM and 10 PM each day, with some not opening at all and some opening up to 8 times. Meal swipes can be used if the cafe has opened more than 6 times that day, but never if the minute hand is greater than a 42.5-degree angle away from noon.
The idea to fill Main Building with cafeterias initially stemmed from protests undertaken by
first-year student Jonathan Sandwich and senior Caroline Beefburger. When Beefburger realized that Main only had three dining facilities, she and Sandwich commandeered the Street Eats truck and parked it inside Main. Soon, hundreds of students came running to their truck for meals, grateful that Beefburger’s benevolence had prevented their impending starvation.
In response, the VSA and Café Bon Appetit drafted a construction initiative to fill Main Building with 35 different cafeterias. The debate on the matter was nearly nonexistent. VSA President Julián Aguilar remarked, “Besides Main’s art gallery, study spaces, academic support offices, lecture rooms, mailroom, innovation lab and student housing, is anything really there, anyway?”
The VSA said they will “lettuce” know if they have more updates.
The new cafes will also address the large gap between the menus of the Retreat and Express. “Sometimes, I’m in the mood for a sandwich with peanut butter instead of a peanut butter sandwich,” one student remarked. “I’m so happy that the Meece will have both!”
Now, students have more options than ever, both in the number of cafes available, as well as in the quantity of food served. To top their “Pick 2” and “Pick 3” meal programs, dining staff created a “Pick 75” meal choice, where you must select 53 entrees and 22 side dishes.
Dining staff explained the program to us in detail: “It’s simple, really. You pick your 53 entrees, make sure that the contents of them only add up to 8.5 ounces every other Thursday of the month, pick twenty-three side dishes, weigh them on a scale, do a ritual prayer over each meal, jump up and down five times, paint a miniature Mona Lisa, swim five laps around the nearest swimming pool and then swipe your ID card.”
Construction on the next 34 cafeterias will begin next Monday. Please do not be appalled if you notice a cafeteria skyscraper near Main.