When Vassar’s first-year chemistry students unpacked the materials for their first lab this fall, they generally found just the things one would expect to find in such a scenario: beakers, test tubes, goggles and various chemicals. One pair, however, got rather more than they bargained for: in their lab kit, in place of the ethanol solution used in the experiment, was the frozen head of founder of the College Matthew Vassar.
“It’s true,” one of the students present confirmed to The Miscellany News. “I did, in fact, find the frozen head of Matthew Vassar in my chemistry lab. It was crazy.”
Although the head began an irreversible defrosting process upon being exposed to the air, for approximately 45 minutes, Matthew Vassar was lucid, affable and only partially melted. Fortunately, this time was put to good use; Vassar was kind enough to grant The Miscellany News an exclusive interview, his first to the media since 1868.
That interview appears below, and though portions have been edited for clarity, it represents the true, unfiltered thoughts of Vassar College’s esteemed and thawing founder. To properly follow the transcript, the reader should note the following abbreviations: MN refers to The Miscellany News, and MV to Matthew Vassar. Although changing these abbreviations to be more distinct from one another may have offered an easier reading experience, The Miscellany News could not be bothered to go through and change all the stuff that had already been written, so you’ll just have to deal with it.
MN: Wow. Matthew Vassar. I can’t tell you enough what a tremendous honor it is to be speaking to you today. I know you’re a private guy, you don’t give a lot of interviews, so I really want to stress how much this means to me and everyone at The Miscellany News. Anything you’d like to share with our readers to start us off?
[At this point in the interview, Vassar’s mouth remained encased in the ice, unfortunately rendering his answers incomprehensible. The following eight minutes have been removed from the transcript due to lack of involvement on the part of the subject.]
MN: Okay, all good? Out of the ice? Great. As I was saying, we’re so glad to have you with us today, and I have so many questions that I don’t know where to begin! Let’s start at the beginning, though: What inspired you to found Vassar College?
MV: Well, I always thought it would be neat to have a college named after me. Have you ever had anything named after you? It’s really a tremendous feeling. Once you’ve felt it once, you can’t stop chasing that first high, giving more and more money to found bigger and bigger stuff for people to put your name on. And Vassar College, really, is my crowning achievement.
MN: Wow. Thank you for that answer. For our readers, who don’t know, what other things have been named after you?
MV: Too many to count, but my favorites include the USS Matthew Vassar, the City of Vassar, Michigan, and everyone named Matthew.
MN: Okay, great.
MV: It is, isn’t it? Simply tremendous.
MN: Moving on, what inspired you to make Vassar’s mascot the Brewers? I know your family owned a brewery in Poughkeepsie, but you were involved in a number of other businesses throughout your career, so: why Brewers?
MV: Honestly? I was joking when I named us the Brewers. I suggested it at the first meeting of the Board of Trustees, but I had no idea that they were going to take it seriously. If I had known that the name was going to stick for more than 150 years, I would have gone with something badass like “Flaming Dragons” or “Doom Leopards.” Or “Vassars.”
MN: Fascinating. Now, I hate to get political here, but I feel like I need to address the elephant in the room: the salary dispute between the College and some of its longest-serving female faculty members. Where do you stand on this issue?
MV: I have to say, I am tremendously disappointed in this institution. A 20 percent pay gap between male and female faculty members is, frankly, weak sauce. When we hired Maria Mitchell, we paid her less than a third of what the men were making because her job came with a furnished apartment in the observatory. I’d love to see today’s administration show some ingenuity like that.
MN: Thank you for weighing in on the question of pay equity, Matthew Vassar. Now, as you continue to melt, we’re getting close to the end of our time, but if it’s okay with you I’d love to ask you a couple more questions.
MV: By all means.
MN: Have you ever played Yu-Gi-Oh?
MV: Yes.
MN: How? The game didn’t come out until 1999! Even if you’re referring to the manga, it began publication in 1996, well after your death in 1868. Are you lying to me, Matthew Vassar?
MV: What I do and don’t lie about is no business of yours.
MN: Okay, moving on. When you purchased the land that would become Vassar College’s campus in 1861, did you anticipate that it would one day be besmirched by an eyesore like Noyes House?
MV: I don’t think anyone could have anticipated the ways in which this campus has expanded and changed over the last 162 years. Looking at it today, it’s clear that the sex seedlings I planted all those years have grown into fully formed sex trees.
MN: What?
MV: You know, sex trees? As in, trees that represent equality between the sexes in the field of educational attainment?
MN: Right, of course. Well, Matthew Vassar, if I’m not mistaken, you appear to have fully melted, but it’s been an honor and a privilege to have this conversation with you, and I hope we can speak again soon. Thanks again for spending this time with us at The Miscellany News.