A little over a year ago, I wanted to donate blood at my high school’s blood drive. I filled out the forms. I got a little sticker. I sat in the chair. I was so excited to give the gift of life. But it was not meant to be. The worker pricked my finger and told me my iron was too low to donate. The world lost some color that day, and it wasn’t just from the blurry vision caused by my iron deficiency. My “I donated today!” sticker, once a sign of hope, now only served as a mockery, taunting me with its bright red hue.
I thought that was the end of my Samaritan career. But last week, I tried again. I dared to dream. Dared to hope. Dared to walk to the Villard Room, give my information and confirm that I did not have mad cow disease. The moment of truth came. I extended my ring finger, barely breathing. The news was sweeter than any marriage proposal would have been: My iron levels were normal.
Now, many people would assume that upon finding out I had low iron, I just took supplements until my levels were healthy again. Those people would be wrong. I did not take iron supplements (my mom told me to, but they gave me a stomach ache). Instead, I believe I raised my iron through sheer force of will. However, not everyone is as strong of character as I, so I’ve decided to spread the goodwill and compile some tips for others to raise their iron levels as well.
- Ingest pure bars of iron. This is a surefire way to raise your iron levels. Bring a little cheese grater and a bar of iron to the Deece and just grate some shavings out over your meal. It’s definitely an odd seasoning, but at least it can’t taste any saltier than the Global stir fry.
- Dress like Popeye. The sailor is famous for his love of spinach (a food quite high in iron) and in an attempt to channel his energy, you may gain some of his strength. You will need a black shirt, blue pants, a red scarf and a jaunty little cap. Be sure to close one eye and swagger about.
- Become a reverse werewolf. Werewolves hate silver, and silver is pretty close to iron, so if you’re a reverse werewolf, you’ll probably become stronger when you touch iron. A reverse werewolf is, of course, someone who is usually a wolf but becomes a human on the full moon. You might have to get yourself registered as a service wolf because it could be difficult to get into buildings otherwise, but your iron will be through the roof.
- Lick people. Sweat contains traces of iron. Disguise yourself as a bush, camp out at an ultimate frisbee practice and start licking people’s arms as they run by. Their loss is your gain. There are some negative side effects to this, (you will not be well-liked) but it’s an easy way to ensure healthy iron levels and also ensure a legacy at Vassar that will not soon be forgotten.
- Say things, but mean the opposite. By exclaiming “What great weather we’re having!” during a thunderstorm, you will be exercising verbal irony. Being ironic could make you iron-ful, and give those levels a big boost. You could also read and reread “Romeo and Juliet” to get some dramatic irony in your system. Two ways are always better than one!
Godspeed, my little iron maidens. Go forth and prospect for some ore deposits.