Dear Vassar student body,
I am the Rockefeller Hall Elevator, also known as the Rocky Elevator. Approximately two to three weeks ago, unfortunately, I lost a fight. I had a bit of a breakdown which I guess isn’t okay for me, but is fine for all of you. I saw you after your last chem test. Why do I have to be God’s strongest soldier? I’m called an L-evator, not a W-evator, so it’s no wonder I failed.
I understand you are all mad at me, but you are all haters. Could any of you possibly perceive the immense pressure I am under as an essential elevator in an academic building? Every day I haul hundreds of people up anywhere from one flight, for those of you that are incredibly lazy, to three entire flights. I have to wake up at 8:45 a.m. every morning to transport a bunch of smelly first-years to their introductory language courses. Are you awake at 8:45? No, you’re lying in your bed getting sweet respite from your previous night of shenanigans. And when you wake up at 11 a.m., you still get a cup of coffee from the Deece to remove yourself from hibernation. I DO NOT GET THAT PRIVILEGE. I don’t have time to do morning yoga, so my cables are tight, and you expect me to perform my best work. And when you yawn because you’re tired it’s fine, but when I creak and groan, it’s suddenly “Oh, the elevator’s a failure. We’re going to get stuck in here and die. Someone hit the emergency button.” Why are you being so dramatic?
Sure, I’ve made mistakes. I know a couple first-years have gotten stuck…for minutes at a time…with no certainty of escape. I understand that I’ve made a couple people cry and fear for their lives, but I never intended to hurt anyone. I was just tired…dozing off…resting my eyes. It’s hard when people use you all day long. I mean clubs, classes, you name it. At any time of day, I’m working. It’s honestly a workers’ rights violation, but Big Elevator has lobbied Congress to suppress the formation of unions. While you guys at least have some kind of relaxation with TikTok and Fizz, all I have is eavesdropping on mundane conversations about school. I don’t care that you’re going to the political science lounge to discuss a paper! And I couldn’t care less about your passion for mathematics. Stop being a nerd and get a life!
Worst of all, I don’t even get paid. When I was hired, I knew I was going to be an unpaid intern, but that’s how you get started in these industries. It’s really hard to break into elevating, so I was willing to take any opportunity offered to me and work my way up the ranks. But I expected a promotion at some point. I’ve been working in Rocky for years and not a dollar has been given to me. They keep giving me free Bacio’s pizza parties and merchandise, but how am I supposed to pay my rent with a fresh hot slice and a Vassar sticker?
So yeah, I’m not sorry I broke down. I’m under far too much pressure to not freeze up. And I wish you all were sympathetic about it. Instead, you put a degrading sign on me saying that I’m not working—that I’m a failure. When you fail a quiz or sleep through your class or drop a full plate of food down the Deece stairs, I don’t put a literal manifestation of your failure on your back. Unlike you all, I am respectful and have basic standards of civilized behavior.
I hope you guys enjoy trudging up the stairs indefinitely. I know I enjoy my newfound freedom.
Have an awful day,
Rockefeller Hall Elevator