Halloween, the most fearfully consequential holiday of the year. In honor of such a momentous occasion, I’ve made a compendium of Vassar’s most annoying and bothersome ghosts poltergeisting around campus. Maybe we can unpack some thrilling Vassar history along the way too.
Matthew Vassar’s Uncle Phillip
Not many people know that in South Jersey, Matthew Vassar was born and raised. In the bars is where he spent most of his days. But when Matthew’s life got flipped-turned upside down after accidentally hitting a group of gangsters with a ball, his mom got scared and sent him to live with his wealthy aunt and uncle in Westchester. Uncle Phillip became a big part of Matt’s life, acting as a father figure who helped him launch a short-lived career in squeaky-clean rap. Uncle Phillip’s ghostly presence can be found in the Martel Theatre, marked by the distinct sound of audience laughter and the occasional ghostly chorus of “awwwwwws” in the empty theater. Students have reported feeling both terrified and weirdly comforted by his presence, but admitted that these interactions feel rather formulaic and unearned.
Professor Ekksposifs
Working at Vassar between the years of 1922-1952, Professor Ekksposifs taught in the now defunct department of Bombology which met its tragic end due to a lack of interest in the ’80s. On one most unfortunate night in 1948, Professor Ekksposifs was working late in his lab on a new pipe bomb when suddenly he slipped on a banana peel and fell headfirst into an adjacent wood chipper. He was remembered as a professor with a dynamite personality and a passion for wood chips. Many people have linked his ghost to mysterious clumps of wood chips in his former office: the men’s bathroom on the first floor of Rocky. It has always been a bathroom.
Rockin’ Randy
Frequently spewing his signature catchphrase, “I’m Rockin Randy, better call the cops!”, Randy’s ghostly presence is found harboring in cans of Street Eats Starry, popping out when the drinker has come down to the final third of the beverage. No one is entirely sure how he died or why he is haunting Vassar, but he’s apparently been spooking people on campus since Sierra Mist made the big conversion. It is also unclear whether his suggestion to call the cops is genuine, or simple facetious intimidation. Police altercations with the ghost of Rockin Randy have been largely unsuccessful.
Margaret Wairamai
Margaret visited campus one evening in February 2001, hoping to get a job at the Retreat, but the poor girl couldn’t find Main Building despite it being RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF CAMPUS. After five days of searching and asking students, she still couldn’t find Main Building, stumbling far away into the woods around New Hackensack. On the verge of starvation, she met her demise when Vassar’s short-lived, free-roaming therapy panther viciously mauled her behind New Hackensack. Wairamai’s ghost can frequently be heard muttering “Where is Maaaiiiinnn Builddinnnng” around the perimeter of Main Building. The therapy panther later died of natural causes on the eighth of September, narrowly avoiding post-9/11 America.
Richard Nixon
Richard Nixon’s ghost has somehow drifted to Vassar campus this past year, many thinking that he’s drawn to Vassar’s “chill academic vibes and natural fall beauty.” Many complaints have already been filed that Richard Nixon’s ghost is attempting to corrupt Vassar students, whispering in their ears things like “Evil, evil evil…” and “Look, Watergate wasn’t really that big of a deal.” While it seems most students are unswayed, recent polling suggests Vassar students are 3 percent less in favor of Nixon’s impeachment trial than they were in 2021, per VSA’s annual comprehensive survey.
36 elephants
Not many people know that before Vassar had a groundhog problem, they had a major elephant issue—36 elephant issues to be exact. Matthew Vassar, in 1868, brought 37 elephants on campus, hoping they would boost morale for students who were “feeling depressed and stuff” because of “academics and all that.” They did not. In the great Elephant Riots of ’71, all of the elephants were killed except one named Lou who everyone on campus agreed was pretty cool. The ghosts of the 36 elephants can still be heard clomping around on the ninth floor of Jewett, which they called home.
I hope this Halloween you only run into Vassar’s cool ghosts: Gary Coleman and Abraham Lincoln.