Spooky season is upon us and so is a new line of Deece pizza flavors. In honor of the upcoming holiday, the Deece is welcoming in a week of creepy, terrifying, blood-curdling pizza flavors. Fear not the shrimp alfredo, taco and caramel apple pizza of the past, for five even more petrifying kinds of pizza haunt this campus: jack in the box, spider, fire truck, rat-king and essay.
Jack In the Box Pizza
You may wonder where your unreceived packages from Central Receiving go? Well, for this week only, they will be put to gastronomical use. If a package isn’t picked up, it heads straight to the Deece, where the Deece employees labor endlessly like Santa’s Elves to fashion gifts for society. Obtaining efficiency through an early 1900s assembly line, the Deece workers each perform a special task to transform the packages into pizzas. First, they surgically remove everything from the boxes. Then, they make the pizza base. Tomato sauce, cheese, crust and a couple fingers—assembly lines often lead to miniscule unintentional amputations—will be the delight of your palate in just a few hours. Next, the Deece employees fasten the boxes onto the pizzas with gorilla glue and place a mystery component inside. What is this enigmatic aspect, you ask? It is a full-sized sculpture of PB’s head. A perfectly rounded amalgamation of meatball meat (made from the scraps of last week’s burger pizza) with two daddy long-legs from the fifth floor of Raymond serving as eyes and the dentures of your oldest professor form this artistic masterpiece. Garnished with real hair plucked from PB’s head while she was sleeping, this pizza gives the nearby Culinary Institute of America a run for its money. Just wind the used-toilet handle, enjoy a verse of Adonis’ “My Man Freestyle,” and the box pops right open to reveal your delicious meal.
Spider Pizza
The next pizza features a melting pot of textures exploding in your very own mouth. Much like the last pizza, this one features very real human hair, though this time it is retrieved from the most repulsive place on campus: the bathroom shower drain. With fishing rods in hand, Deece employees reel out clumps of hair from the drain and, carrying their rods much like Santa carries his bag of gifts, they deliver this wad to the Deece kitchen. Then, on top of a base of classic marinara sauce and cheese, in tune with popular hobbies of today, they crochet delightful hair spiders. After being deep-fried, these hair spiders are about as satisfying as a fried chicken wing and ready for consumption. Between the crunchy hair spiders, gooey cheese and mushy bananas (embedded in the spiders to add more nutritional value), this pizza is sure to leave your teeth content.
Fire Truck Pizza
Fire truck pizza is every five-year-old’s dream and, soon, it will be yours too. This pizza is quite standard, with only one unique feature: a miniature fire-alarm that goes off at the most inconvenient times. Are you missing the glamor of the screeching, ear-annihilating fire alarm waking you up at 2:30 a.m.? Well, look no further than this pizza. Just as you’re about to take a bite, the pizza starts screaming at you like a puppy with separation anxiety. Or better yet, you finally make a good joke, only to be interrupted by this cacophony. The sheer anticipation of the alarm will make you jumpy. Best of all, the alarm goes everywhere with you once you eat it. Because it is utterly indigestible, it’ll make sure to be cheering you on in your next biology test or crying with you after you get that same biology test back.
Rat-King Pizza
Inspired by Raymond House, the rat-king pizza is a must-eat. While you were on break, during what would be Late Night, the Deece employees decided to start ghost-hunting. With their ghost vacuums, they entered Raymond House. However, the only thing they ended up sucking up in their vacuums was rats. But that didn’t discourage them, because what better place to put these nasty rodents than in a pizza! Crowned with leftover PB hair, these rat-kings rule! With a base of white sauce, this rat-king pizza tastes delicious. And don’t be afraid of the eyes or whiskers, they’re good protein. All gym rats love rat-king pizza.
Essay Pizza
The final pizza of the week is essay pizza. Harnessing the impending doom of productivity and the stress of being graded, this pizza will make you burst into tears. Set on a base of marinara sauce, this pizza is personalized with crumpled-up pages of your failed essays. The inky black text staring into your soul will have you in fear way beyond any sub-par haunted houses you walk through. Nothing like the sweet delicious destruction of your confidence because this pizza also features graded remarks from your professor in red pen. Make sure to bring your next essay pizza to the writing center.
These enticing yet terrifying new pizzas really are the height of culinary creativity. Make sure to eat them to make your Hallo-week hallo-weird and hallo-wacky.